


La Femme Spander

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Genderbending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-20 01:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 37,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4769057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay… so I was watching BtVS S6 Entropy and I got to wondering, is there a story out there where Halfrek doesn't interrupt Anya's interesting chain of thoughts and Anya carries through her plan… finding someone to wish Spike a woman. Of course, then something goes wrong and he stays that way. </p><p>BtVS S6, Entropy. Anya wants revenge and she'll be getting it by cursing Spike and Xander. The ‘boys’ learn first hand how the other half live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

**Part One**

 

 

 

   


_The Magic Box_    
  
"They're all, 'oh, poor Xander. It took so much out of him, all that running away he did.' I just don't understand what's wrong with these people."   
  
"Did you really think they were the ones who would help you?" Halfrek asked her distressed friend.   
  
"Well, but…" Anya started.   
  
"Do you want retribution, Anyanka?"   
  
"I want Xander good and cursed," Anya said firmly in anger.  
  
"Then you know what you have to do."   
  
"Get a wish from someone who doesn't freaking love him," she spat.  
  
"Exactly." Halfrek nodded.  
  
"Yeah, but my social circle is a little limited here. What am I supposed to do, just stumble upon someone who doesn't give a fig's ass if Xander gets hurt?"   
  
Halfrek blinked, looking at her. Anya placed her hand on her cheek in thought. Several seconds later, she gasped, jerking up.   
  
"Spike  _hates_  Xander. Maybe I could get him to wish ... dammit, if only he were a woman." She resumed her thinking pose then jumped up, again, excited. "Got it! If I can somehow get someone to wish that Spike were a woman, then I could go to him… well, he'd be a her then… then I could go to  _her_ …" She sat back down.  
  
Halfrek shook her head at her demented friend. Anyanka had this whole female-power, Take Back the Night thing. Cute, but, she always forgot that men need a little vengeance now and then, too. Halfrek decided to her try it her hard way. She was sure there would be a lot of fun down the line in that.  
  
She smiled and stood up, "Good luck with that. Ta-ta!" and vanished.  
  
Anya stood up. She had to find a person willing to make a wish on Spike.  
  
  
 

~*~*~*~*~

 

  
Harmony looked up from the squirming boy and frowned, recognizing her addresser. "You!" She let go of her prey, stalking towards Anya. The boy scrambled away through the dark alley not even pausing a second to look behind him.  
  
"Ugggh! Look what you did!" she screeched, watching her midnight snack disappear. "I wanted to turn him… he looked like Orlando Bloom."   
  
Anya shrugged. "I think Johnny Depp is more attractive."   
  
Harmony reverted into human features. "True… but I couldn't find anyone… hey!" She glared. "Why are we having a conversation? You're dating Xander the dweeb."  
  
"Xander isn't…!" Anya started indignantly before she remembered why she was here in the first place. She huffed. "Well, you're one to talk… getting dumped by a chipped vampire."  
  
Harmony placed her hands on her hips. "I'll let you know…  _I_  broke up with him."  
  
"Really? Well, the way I heard it, is that he left you because he wanted the Slayer."  
  
Harmony's eyes widened and she pouted. "Can you believe it? My little booboo was willing to kill his Drood-zilla over Skinny Buffy… I was there. Did he even think of staking me? Noooo. It's all 'My dark princess this… My salvation that'. Weeping over his precious Dorkus."   
  
Anya nodded, faking sympathy. "And that hurt you… after all you did for him, didn't it?"   
  
Harmony wiped a tear and sat on a wooden crate sniffling as she nodded.  
  
Anya took several steps closer. "You wanted him to suffer. You wanted him to know how it felt… how hard it was?"  
  
Harmony nodded furiously. "Yeah! I wish he knew how hard it was to be a vampire  _and_  a woman. I mean my tan lines alone-" She stopped with a gasp.  
  
In front of her Anya's visage changed into her demon look. Anyanka smiled evilly. "Done!"   
  
 

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

  
"Hello, Spike!"  
  
Spike turned to glare at Anya who materialized in his crypt with a grin on her human face.  
  
He pointed an accusing finger at her. "You did this to me." He gestured to himself then looked venomously at her. "Turn me back, now. Or you'll see first hand how my chip doesn't work on you," he growled.   
  
Anya blinked at Spike. "You can’t kill me. I didn't cast my vengeance on Xander yet."   
  
Spike was pulled short. "What does Harris have to do with it?"  
  
Anya waved her hands explaining, "Well, I tried to get his friends to make a wish on him, but they take the 'friend' thing way too seriously. So I needed someone to make a wish… and you hate Xander… no annoying friend no wishes there. But, there was the inconvenience of you being a man… so I had Harmony… who's still bitter over her ‘booboo’… what's with that nickname, anyway? And she wished you to be all female vampy… now I need you to wish something nasty on Xander- so you  _can't_  kill me."   
  
Spike blinked. "Harmony is the reason I'm a chick? And the reason Harmony wished me with a set of knockers is that you need me to make a wish on your ex?"   
  
Anya nodded. "Yes. So, can you make one, please… a really creative one! I haven’t done one in ages." She grinned happily.  
  
Spike's eyes flashed gold. "You are the worse nutcase I've met and I had my share of nuts. Bloody Harris should be a fucking bint not me."  
  
Anya paused in silence for a moment before shrugging. "Okay."   
  
Spike opened his mouth to yell again, but frowned. "Huh?"   
  
Anya pouted. "It's not really creative since I did it like - just now… but, hey, it is your wish."   
  
Spike shook his head, trying to shake away his building headache. "I didn't make a wish yet."   
  
"Yes, you did." She nodded with a wide smile. "You said that Xander should be a girl."  
  
"Well, I didn't use the word ‘wish’!"   
  
Anya waved her hand. "A technicality. I'm lenient that way."  
  
Spike gaped and looked down at himself. "Then where's my soddin' dick?"  
  
Anya gasped outraged, placing her hand on her chest. "I can't reverse Harmony's wish without her consent. I'll lose my powers."  
  
She sighed sadly and looked at Spike. "You make an attractive woman, Spike. I do regret not having sex with you when you had a penis. I hear vampire stamina is really good. Oh, well, thanks, bye."  
  
She vanished.   
  
"Bugger."   
  
  
 

~*~*~*~  
 

"Oh My God! What the hell happened to me?!" 


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two:**  
  
  
  
  


"Oh My God! What the hell happened to me?!"   
  
Buffy and Willow turned their eyes simultaneously from the T.V. screen to blink at each other. The same question went through their heads,  _who the hell was that?_    
  
They had decided to invite Xander for a 'comfort-movie-night', trying to make him feel better after Anya had rejected his advances to become a couple again. Xander had excused himself to the kitchen saying that if the girls were going to subject him to a girly movie, he was owed some buttery popcorn.   
  
Hearing the high-pitched scream, they jumped off the couch to the kitchen. Their eyes widened at the sight of a brunette woman standing with her back to them. The stranger slowly turned around, eyes wider than theirs, holding her breasts and… shaking them.

"What are these?" she screeched, distressed, looking from Buffy to Willow to Buffy again waiting for an answer.

"Boobs?" Buffy answered, her nose creased in confusion.  
  
Willow was looking intently at them, her head tilting slightly to the left as she tried to get a better look. Pretty boobs.   
  
The brunette young woman wrapped her arms around her bosom protectively. "Stop ogling me, Willow!"  
  
Willow looked at the strange woman, perplexed. "How did you know my name?"  
  
"How did you get into Xander's pants?" Buffy asked, her finger pointed, directing their gaze to the jeans pooled at the woman's feet.   
  
The brunette looked down. "Eek! I thought it was windy. At least my boxers stayed on."  
  
Willow's eyes widened. "Xander?"  
  
Buffy pouted. "You have prettier legs than me."  
  
Willow looked down and nodded vigorously whilst Buffy glared at her.  
  
"Is this the problem here? Hello! I'm a woman for God's sake!" Xander yelled angrily, waving his hands, breaking the glaring match.  
  
Buffy and Willow looked back at the female features of their used-to-be-male friend.   
  
"Um … hi, remember me?” He waved. “In need of help here. And, well, staring at my face instead of each other or my legs isn't really helping."  
  
"Right," Buffy recovered first. "What did you do before you went all girlie-like?"   
  
"Nothing, I was just about to pop me some corn." Xander indicated at the open microwave with the bag inside.   
  
"I think this case needs a trip to the Magic Box," Willow said, looking at Buffy.  
  
"Willow's right. Let's go," Xander exclaimed, already heading towards the kitchen door.  
  
"Um … Xander? Not to sound all Cordy here but you can't go out wearing that," Willow said moving her hand up and down at his body.   
  
Xander gave her a deadly stare and Willow actually flinched. "I'm not wearing women's clothes," his voice sounded with such rage that Willow hid behind Buffy. She couldn't protect herself with magic. Well, she could but she wouldn't. She went without unnecessary magic so far this long, so she hung in there. She had Buffy to protect her from over-hormonal female-phobic ex-guy-best-friend.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Xand, you look like a bimbo in her boyfriend's shirt." She blinked as a picture of her in Parker's room the morning after appeared in her head. She felt herself losing confidence but brought on another picture: her smacking the lying boy with a wooden branch. Better. "You don't want people staring at you, do you?"  
  
Xander thought about it then sighed, defeated. "Fine. But no skirts!" he stressed. "No dresses, no tops. I want large sized pants and a T-shirt." He nodded and placed his hands on his hips. Willow bit the inside of her cheek to stop from grinning. His uptight pose and speak reminded her of another brunette woman.  
  
"Sorry, can't do." Buffy shrugged. "All I have is small… uh, too small for you."   
  
"Uh, c'mon Buff!" Xander whined. "You've gotta have something not your size… something comfortable."  
  
Buffy's face took a shocked and somewhat outraged look. Xander nearly took a step back. He would have if it weren't for him being afraid of getting tangled in his jeans and falling on his ass. He turned his pleading eyes towards Willow.  
  
"What about you, Will? You were always a fan of comfort in high school… anything in a larger size?"   
  
Willow shook her head helplessly. "Sorry. My new wardrobe is all womanly skirts and small sized jeans."  
  
"Crap!"   
  
"C'mon, Xander. Gotta suck it up and wear women clothes." Buffy took Xander's hand and dragged him out of the kitchen. "Let's get you into something."  
  
"You just wanna cover my pretty legs." Xander huffed trying to lighten the mood, desperately holding on to the oversized jeans so they wouldn't fall.  
  
Buffy scowled and pushed him up the stairs.  
  
"What about the movie?" Willow yelled at their retreating backs and looked back helplessly at the paused DVD. She sighed. Freddie would have to wait.

 

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

  
  
"Can I come in now?" Willow's voice drifted from outside Buffy's room, bored. 

"No, you can't!" Xander snapped at the closed door.  
  
"Get over it, Xander," Buffy began while helping him put on a bra. "Willow is a girl. Girls tend to see each other naked."  
  
"But, she's gay! She's out of the rule book," he said, nodding his head to emphasize. He winced as Buffy tightened on the bra clasp. "Ow! That hurt!"  
  
"Sorry," Buffy murmured not sounding all that sorry. "But your breasts are C cup. I'm trying to lift them up," she explained.  
  
"God, this is the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me."  
  
"It's on," Buffy finished with a grin. Xander turned to face her and she pointed her finger warningly. "Don't make any sudden moves."  
  
Xander gave her a death glare.  
  
"What? I had to say it." She gave him a sunny smile.  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny. You know what? You're just jealous." Xander crossed his arms around himself and raised his head up.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes and went to open the door.  
  
Xander's eyes widened in fright and turned to look at her as she walked away. "What are you doing?"  
  
Buffy spoke slowly, "I'm going to open the door."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So, Willow can come in."   
  
"Why?"  
  
Buffy give him a look.   
  
"She doesn't need to come in you know," Xander smiled sheepishly.  
  
Buffy held her hand over her mouth in shock. "You're gonna stop a girl from joining a makeover party. How could you, Xander? She's your best friend." She hiccupped.   
  
"I didn't mean … wait," he stopped short. "What do you mean makeover party?"  
  
It was Buffy's turn to smile sheepishly. "Well, technically this is a 'try out'."  
  
"There's gonna be more?!"  
  
"Duh. Dawn will kill us if we do one without her." She shrugged.   
  
“Whaaat?”   
  
Buffy rolled her eyes and opened the door for Willow. Xander gasped and quickly gave the door his back. His arms tightened even more around himself.   
  
Willow walked in and saw his half-naked back. She smirked jokingly. "Oh, Xander, you look so hot." The husky sound of her voice made Buffy snicker. 

Xander glared at the wall, knowing that Willow was making fun of him. She had obviously heard his complaints through the door. He looked down at Tara's clothes, which Willow had suggested for him to wear. "These clothes suck."   
  
"Hey!" Willow yelled.   
  
"They're ain't my style." He turned to look at her with a scowl on his feminine face.   
  
"Like you have the greatest taste in clothes," Willow retorted. She suddenly felt guilty even though Xander didn’t look offended. "Well," she said trying to even the playing field. "We all don't have the greatest taste in clothes."   
  
"Hey, speak about yourselves," Buffy exclaimed. She turned to close the door and mumbled, "Mean tasteless losers."   
  
Xander and Willow exchanged a smile as memories of Buffy's mini-skirts and black knee-high boots from high school flashed in their heads. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three:**  
  
  


 

Xander huffed, standing behind the counter. Hours ago, they had found the Magic Box closed, which was a bit strange since Anya would never close the store this early. Buffy and Willow had figured that she was still upset enough to not want any more money and followed that conclusion by staring at a pouting Xander.   
  
After using the extra key Giles had given Buffy before he returned to England, Buffy and Willow went in search of any books that dealt with boys turning into girls. If lucky, enclosed would be the systematic instruction on how to reverse it. The girls were avidly looking while Xander was not. He was whining and pouting all the time about not wanting to be a girl, so they had  left him in front of the cash register in case someone came in. Anya would never forgive them if there were a lost money earning opportunity. After Buffy and Willow failed in finding any helpful books in the front of the shop, they moved their search into the back where Giles kept the more precious books.  
  
Xander was frustrated as he leaned onto his elbows. His body didn't feel right and the bra Buffy used her slayer strength on was killing him. He glared down at his chest remembering how he tried to convince Buffy that he didn't need a bra. Buffy had explained then that his breasts were too big for him  _not_  to wear a bra, claiming that they would hurt if left unsupported. With no previous female experience, Xander, sulking, relented.   
  
Groaning with embarrassment, Xander let his head fall to hit the counter. Man, that hurt!   
  
He raised his head when he heard the bell to the shop door jingle. He watched transfixed as a gorgeous blonde-haired woman strode confidently towards him. Xander racked his eyes up and down her body, noticing her long flowing blonde curls bouncing over her perky chest.   
  
Distracted, he made sure his mouth was closed and that no drool escaped. There was no sense in scaring Anya's customer by his raging hormones.   
  
Xander's eyes locked with the woman's sharp blue ones. He couldn't help but notice the long light-brown eyelashes. His eyes drifted down a sharp nose to gaze at full pink lips - lips that were turned up in a familiar smirk he could not place in that dazed moment.   
  
One of the blonde curls fell over a well defined eyebrow. It made Xander’s hand twitched over the counter, wanting to put it back in place. The blonde brushed it back revealing a scar in her eyebrow.  
  
Xander frowned for a few seconds before realization hit him. He looked down at her clothes and noted the infamous duster. He gazed up at her face, his eyes checking the high, full cheekbones.  
  
"Spike?" Xander gasped as he straightened.  
  
"Always knew you were slow, Harris." Spike smirked while looking back at the boy-turned-girl with a defined pink mark on his wide forehead.   
  
So, that was Xander as a female? Not bad. Quite an improvement from what he had used to be, Spike thought lustfully. He raised his eyes from gazing at Xander's breasts to settle on his face. A grimace played on his expression as he noted the youthful features. He was sure his wish hadn't included knocking a couple of years off. The gaping fool looked like a witless high school girl.   
  
He whistled. "Pretty little virgin."   
  
Xander's eyes had remained wide unsure of what he was seeing. "Spike?!"   
  
"What's going on? Is Spike here?" Buffy's called from the backroom.

Both former males looked at Buffy, who stood by the door, frowning at Spike. "Is that you, Spike?" Her eyes widened. "You're a girl, too?"  
  
"How did you know?" Xander asked.

"Well, any idiot would know that. The duster for one thing and the face, it's pretty much Spike but more feminine."   
  
Xander shifted his eyes to the side. "Well, it took you a long time to know me." He ignored the fact that it had taken him a while to figure out this fact himself. A while spent in thoughts that would forever be locked in the 'never be mentioned again' box in his head.  
  
"Well, you're not exactly the same Xander. The eyes are probably the same, I guess. Or not.” She gave an unconcerned shrug. “But, other things are still different."   
  
"Other things? What do you mean by  _other_  things?" Xander squeaked, indignant. He really didn't need to be criticized in front of Hot Chick Spike. In the box… now!  
  
"She means the breasts, mate."   
  
Xander covered said breasts, cheeks flushed. "Well, you have breasts, too!" He looked at the tight red shirt, buttons barely holding in the boobs. What happened to the box? Xander's mind whined when his eyes continued to gaze at the covered yet pronounced breasts.  
  
Spike pursed his lips. "Not as big as those." He coarsely gestured with his palms.   
  
Xander blushed even more. Did Spike actually compliment him? Did he actually think of it as a compliment? So need to buy a new box… this one is defective!   
  
Willow came into the room, wondering what was going on. "Hey, guys, what's up?" She stopped as she spotted the stunning blonde. Her heart sped up as she licked her suddenly dry lips. Strange urges and feelings rushed out of nowhere, confusing her. That young woman was absolutely not her type. She always went for sweet and cute. She liked cute Xander, cute Oz, cute Tara … she STILL liked cute Tara.  
  
Willow nodded firmly to herself. Bad girl type was  _so_  not her type.

Buffy was checking out Spike’s breasts. “I think your breasts look fine. I mean they’re average, not too small or too big. Well, above average in these parts,” she said bitterly as she cast a look at Xander’s chest then back at Spike before casually pulling her shirt down a little.  
  
Xander held his breasts tighter, mortified. He looked at the still silent Willow. “Willow, help me out here. What do you think of Spike’s boobs? They’re small, right?” he said wanting to rile the vampire and trying to convince himself that his fellow sex-changer wasn't attractive.   
  
Spike raised a delicate eyebrow not falling for the bait.  
  
Something caught Willow’s attention. Boobs? Her eyes drifted from the blonde’s dazzling face to her chest. "No,” she answered Xander’s question with a dreamy shake. “They’re just right."   
  
Xander grunted. Man, why were all women against him today? Did it have to do with the leaving Anya at the altar thing? It was not like he did it without a reason, but did they even ask about the reason? No! He sighed. Yeah, just blame it on your friends, huh, Harris?   
  
He looked at his friends, suddenly feeling more miserable. “Did you find something yet?” What a better way to change the subject from the breast competition.   
  
Buffy shook her head. “Nothing, sorry,” she said sympathetically.  
  
“Spike!”   
  
Everyone looked at Willow who pointed at the vampire. “Spike’s duster!  _Spike_.”  
  
Buffy nodded, bored. “Yeah, we covered that already.”  
  
“What turned you into a girl, Spike?” Willow asked. “Was it the same demon that turned Xander?”  
  
Aggravated, Xander hit the table with his fists. “For the last time there was no demon!”  
  
“There’s always a demon, Xander,” Buffy asserted, then turned her attention to Spike. “Now tell us what happened.”  
  
“Well, it is a 'demon'.” Spike gave Xander a look. “Anya happened.”   
  
“ _Anya_  is not a demon,” Xander yelled angrily, slamming his hands down once more. That seemed like such a manly act earlier so he did it again.  
  
“She is now. Got her old job back, demon perks and all."  
  
Xander blinked. "She did?" he asked hurt.  
  
"I'm sorry, Xander," Willow said looking at him with concern.  
  
"So, Anya is a vengeance demon now? And she wished for Xander to be a girl?" Buffy asked, confused.   
  
"It's your fault!" Spike yelled at Xander.  
  
"Why is it always my fault?" Xander asked defensively with a little hint of whine, knowing full well that it was indeed his fault for whatever reason.  
  
"The demon chit is mad at  _you_. And  _I_  got caught in the middle of the bloody crossfire!"  
  
"Why were you in the middle exactly?" Buffy asked suspiciously.  
  
Ignoring the accusatory tone, Spike told them what Anya had said to him before she disappeared leaving him to find the shrunken clothes he had hidden so long ago.  
  
"… Fucking Harm! And then … uh…she  _tricked_  me into wishing Xander a woman."  
  
"You mean it wasn't Anya who did the wish?" Xander said, his face brightening with happiness. That was a plus.   
  
Everyone gave him a look.  
  
He realized how stupid his words were. Trying to change the subject yet again, which he seemed to be doing a lot lately, he glowered at Spike. "You wished me into a  _girl_?"  
  
"Well, technically, I didn't use the word 'wish', and if I wanted to make a wish against you, I wouldn't want to turn you into a fine-looking chit, an ugly cow more accurately."  
  
"You would've made me a cow?" Xander screeched. Spike cackled.   
  
"Would you stop that?" Buffy yelled, irritated. "We have a major problem here and it's about you two. Can you focus and help out?"  
  
Xander looked away ashamed of his behavior. "Sorry," he mumbled.   
  
Buffy glared at Spike who shrugged silently. She sighed. "Okay, now we know that Anya had done 'this'." She pointed at the still glaring two. "Too bad she never told us how she was turned into a human in the first place. Have you got an idea, Will?" she said as she looked at Willow.  
  
Willow hmm-ed, still busy ogling Spike. Even knowing that it was Spike she was drooling over didn't make a difference… or perhaps made it more exciting. She had always secretly wondered what it would be if a vampire…  
  
"Willow!"

She snapped out of her thoughts when Buffy clapped her hands in front of her face.

"Oh, oh right." She coughed trying to cover up her embarrassment. Xander glared at her feeling betrayed and a little jealous. Spike only smirked, noticing her interest as clearly as everyone else had.  
  
Willow bit her lip then sighed, defeated. "I've got nothing."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Then we have no choice. Giles it is."


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

Dawn gazed at the strange brunette and blonde women with curiosity. She was still processing what Buffy had just informed her that these women were actually Xander and Spike.   
  
She blinked once more and worked her jaw to make sure that she wasn't showing all her teeth for all to see. From the way the women looked, she could see it was not a late April Fools joke.   
  
Only in Sunnydale.   
  
Xander looked the same but more womanly and way shorter than he used to be. She was taller than he was now, she noted with a grin. His eyes were the same, but more distinct on his female features. The lashes were the same length given that they were always that long. The eyebrows were smaller and nicely shaped, not perfect but natural. The silky dark hair reached the tip of his shoulders. His body was lean, yet full in the right places, it matched Xander's bountiful breasts well.  
  
Dawn turned her attention to Spike. The blonde's eyes were perfect, they were sharp blue and rimmed with long light brown lashes. She wanted to worship Spike's perfect nose. His lips were the same full lips he always had. Maybe the disgruntled pout puffed them even more. As a member of the female species, he had rounder cheeks yet still held cause for the envy of all cheekbones. Spike's hair was shiny full blonde locks that cascaded over his shoulders. It was longer than Xander's hair and the soft curls reached the middle of Spike's back. The leather duster completed the sexy form of Hot William the Bloody, as always.   
  
He was a bit shorter than he used to be, as a woman he was few inches taller than Xander. Spike might be Dawn's height or a little bit taller. It was Xander who had seemingly shrunk.  
  
After several blinks, Dawn opened her mouth, "Xander does have the bigger boobs." She nodded to the girls.  
  
"Oh, c'mon!" Xander spat out indignant.  
  
Dawn pulled back, startled.  
  
Spike shrugged. "I'm telling ya, mate, medium size perky bosom are 'totally in season'," he said the last word in a somewhat mocking Cordelia tone. "I mean you can't run with those things." He indicated with a jerk to Xander's left boob.  
  
"Ow!" Xander and Spike yelled in pain.   
  
Spike clutched his head, glaring at Xander. "Oi, watch where you point those things!"  
  
Buffy crossed her arms. "Gross, Spike."  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow at her. "You're just jealous, pet. You're nowhere near as hot and cute as me and Xandra here." He placed his hand on Xander's shoulder, his tone clearly showed which one was the cute and which was the hot.   
  
Xander was still rubbing his left boob with his right hand. He pushed Spike's arm off with his left and stepped away. If he walked towards Buffy it was because that direction was the farthest away from the breast boxer, NOT to seek protection from the still smaller form of the Slayer. He never had and never would do that.   
  
"I still don't understand why I can't go back to my apartment." Xander huffed heatedly.

"Because, one," Buffy began, "There is no way anyone I know is going out like that…" She pointed at his ill-fitting Tara Clothes with distaste. "Second, there is no way to be sure that Anya won't be continuing her vengeful bender, and you staying here makes it easier for me to do my protecty thing." She knew she should've gotten an A in debate. Stupid Mrs. Parkers. She should have let Oz eat her.  
  
Xander pulled away from Buffy, sure that she was going insane especially with that wistful look and the tiny evil smile. He inched closer to Spike. He would take his chances with Slap Them Boobs. Wait, Buffy was saying that Anya could come back for more?  
  
"What do you mean make more with the vengeance-ing on me?!"

Spike pulled away, rubbing his ear, nearly slamming into a grinning, eye-fluttering Willow.

Xander waved his hands at the whole living room. "She turned me into a girl, Buffy. A girl!"   
  
The yelling snapped Buffy out of her happy ‘werewolf releasing for teacher-control’ thoughts. She blinked at Xander. "You think being a girl is bad enough to be payback for what you did to Anya? Enough to satisfy her 1000+ years of demon-y vengeful experience? You think what happened to you is that bad?"   
  
"Duh!" Xander yelled. "There is nothing worse she can do to me now."   
  
"Xander!" four yells caused the poor still-getting-used-to-a-shorter-body's-balance-recently-girl-ed ex-boy to fall onto the couch.

He sat up and looked at their faces before looking down, ashamed. "Sorry."

Spike nodded. "That's it. The boy- uh, chit is jinxed … no way I'm staying near him." He headed towards the door.  
  
"Hey, Spike, before you go. What is the time?" Dawn called.

Spike turned around, confused. "Well, Bit, it's way passed your bedtime if that's what you want to know. Little girls shouldn't be still up and about enough to see the sun… oh…" He grunted, turned around and planted himself next to Xander who was too depressed to notice, much less care. 

"All right then," Spike eventually said, "where am I supposed to park my cute new arse for the day?"   
  
"My room!"

Everyone looked at Willow who hadn't spoken a word - if one overlooked the joint 'Xander' bellow - since they left the Magic Box, too busy trying to make sure that no one noticed her staring at Spike. She blushed as her absent mind caught the wide eyes of Buffy and Dawn, the shocked and hurt look from Xander and Spike's amused smirk. She quickly worked her mind trying to mend the awkward situation.

"I … I meant both … um, Spike and Xander can sleep in my room," Willow stuttered.  
  
"Yeah. Now that’s WAY better," Dawn said, rolling her eyes.  


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

 

Spike glared at the fluffy pajamas Dawn had given him. Therewere bloody kittens all over them. He gazed at the sleeping bag placed on the floor next to the couch where Xander would be sleeping, then looked back again at the pajamas. He'dalways slept naked and he always would. _They should buggering live with it for all I care_ , he thought, _don't have nothin' they haven't all seen._  With that thought, he threw the clothes to a corner and took off his duster.   
  
Before he got the chance to take off his shirt, he heard a dreadful screech. "Spike!"  
  
He turned around with a flinch but then an amused laugh escaped his lips.  
  
There by the door stood Xander in fluffy pink pajamas. Fluffier than his if that was even possible. It seemed that Buffy liked to wear larger sized sleepwear. Considerably larger seeing as this one continued to fall off to the side revealing Xander's bare shoulder. After fruitless effort to keep the shirt in place, Xander soon gave up with a sulk.   
  
"Yeah, laugh it off bleached gal. Now we'll see how ridiculous you'll look in Dawn's nighties." He crossed his arms happy with himself and waited to see Spike's annoying happiness deflate. And why the hell was it just him who was depressed? They were both missing VERY important appendages, damn it!   
  
Spike’s laughter died down into a nonchalant shrug. "Not gonna happen."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm not wearing no stupid pajamas, you twit. I'll sleep the way I always do."  
  
"And that would be …" Xander shifted on his feet, not liking where this was going.   
  
"Stripped to the way nature sees it fit."  
  
"Whoa, whoa, Spike," Xander exclaimed nervously, waving his arms around. His PJs slipped and he pulled it back into place huffily. "You can't sleep naked!"  
  
"Yeah?" Spike sniffed unconcerned. "Watch me," saying that, Spike unbuttoned his tight red shirt.  
  
"No!" Xander yelled as he covered his eyes.  
  
"What's wrong, Xandra? I'm a female of interlocking parts with your species givin' you a free show. Are you telling me an all American hot blooded git like yourself wouldn't even take a gander at my one of a kind merchandise."  
  
Xander thought it over. Why couldn't he? He was a guy after all. Well, he had been recently, for all of his life actually, save the last few hours. That meant that even though he was in a girl's body, he was still manly Xander looking for some girls to get it on with. However, if Xander did look at Spike and liked what he saw – there was no chance he wouldn't, he liked what he saw covered after all. Besides, technically being in a woman's body and checking out another woman's body then liking what you see made you a lesbian.   
  
Nevertheless, HE wasn't a lesbian! He liked girls while he wasn't a girl, so that had to make a difference, right? Would being a lesbian now make him gay when he returned to his manly body? Wait. No. He would be dubbed 'gay now' but would return to being straight once he reclaims his mighty penis once more. Right?  
  
God, his head hurt.   
  
"So, you're not opening your peepers?"  
  
"Nope. No peepers peeping." Xander was still unsure about his points regarding sexual orientation, they weren't very convincing. No wonder Mrs. Parkers almost flunked him. "My eyes will enjoy the blissful peace without your sight 'til you get under the covers."

"You're such a 'girl'."

"So not!" He ignored the 'girly' retort. He was a proud member of the Denial R Us, special lifetime membership subscription and was never to enter a conversation with anyone, including his subconscious, about any allegedly girly acts… without a good comeback, so there.

"I'm in the frigging bag."  
  
"Ha, ha, you're lying. I'm on to you."   
  
"I'm serious, you dolt."  
  
"As if. No one is that fast, sleeping bags aren't that easy to get into… I should know." Lifetime membership for ALL areas of life had always come in handy.   
  
"Vampire here," Spike’s annoyed tones broke into Xander's dark thoughts about unpleasant childhood memories.    
  
"Oh, oka …. Wait! How can I make sure you're not lying to me? 'Vampire' and all."   
  
"Whatever, mate, I'm going to sleep and you do what you like. Stand there with your eyes tightly shut all night for all I care… it's passed my bedtime."  
  
After a few minutes of silence, Xander reluctantly opened his eyes and saw Spike lying in the bag peacefully asleep. He hadn't zipped the bag to the top, which was understandable seeing that he was camping in the Summer's living room in Dawn's sleeping bag. The extra blankets covered the vampire's whole body, except for the striking features. And no one would notice that Spike was actually naked under them since they even covered his shoulders. Xander couldn't help but run his eyes over Spike's face for a moment. He looked beautiful sleeping, like a perfectly made sculpture of sleeping beauty waiting for her prince to awaken her with a…   
  
Stupid… faulty… box.  
  
Sighing, Xander climbed onto the couch, slipped under the covers and laid on his stomach. His face scrunched. It didn't feel comfortable with the large breasts squished into the hard couch. Man, he couldn't even sleep in his best position. Why did he jump at the chance to sleep on the couch again? He knew that Spike was after something when he had given an uncaring shrug about their sleeping arrangement. Xander wiggled with his last attempt to get comfortable.   
  
Groaning, he turned to his side and his sleepy eyes opened. He was about to wake Spike up and tell him to switch, when he caught the sight Spike's proud boobs. They had somehow escaped from the blanket that now fell over the tiny waist.   
  
 _Those are some perky boobs,_  he observed in his sleep-deprived mind.  _Nice… boo..._  
  
"Enjoying the view?"   
  
His eyes slowly moved up, passed over a small smirk, and finally they were caught in the hold of a half-opened blue eye.  
  
Xander gasped with embarrassment but tried the international cover. "Aren't you asleep?"  
  
"Not with your annoying heartbeats making their appreciation known. Now go to sleep, they'll be there tomorrow."  
  
Xander blushed a deep red at the mention of 'they' and burrowed into his bed with no more thoughts of sleeping arrangements. Soon the tiredness took hold of him and he was fast asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

An unsettling feeling of someone staring at him woke Xander up. He had a restless night, what with the squishiness of his boobs and the couch trying to get to along peacefully and failing miserably.   
  
Xander drowsily opened his eyes with reluctance only to blink, caught off guard by wide blue eyes gazing at him intensely.   
  
He blinked up at Dawn. “Wha?”  
  
A silly beam appeared on her face as she shook her head, uncombed yet silky hair bouncing with the harsh movement.  “Nothing, it’s just … you’re so adorable sleeping, I couldn’t resist!” she squealed and gave him a light kiss on his cheek.  
  
He was still blinking though the squeal did help blow away some of the fog in his mind. “I’m always adorable sleeping.”  
  
She nodded. “Yeah, but now you don’t have that gray itchy stubble on you which makes you twice as adorable.” She couldn’t help but kiss his smooth cheek once more.  
  
He grinned happily at the attention. “More adorable than Spike?” he asked with yawn, knowing full well that she was going to say that Spike was cuter. But given it was early in the morning, and she had evilly woken him up, he hoped she would flatter him.   
  
“I’m trying really hard not to look at Spike right now.” She grinned uneasily.   
  
Xander frowned. “Why?” He peered down at Spike and found that the blanket only covered the vampire's bellybutton. Barely.

His eyes swept over the naval, moving upwards. A couple of perky breasts were beautifully free of the nasty covers. Xander drew back agitatedly and looked back at Dawn, hoping she didn't notice how his eyes lingered a moment longer than was suitable for the definition of a 'quick glance' and that she would pass off his drool to typical sleep drool. “Oh,” was all he could manage. 

Dawn straightened up. “I should go get ready for school. I just couldn’t help checking on both women-you-s sleeping. You know when I first woke up? I thought it was just a dream.” A huge grin played on her lips. “So glad it wasn’t.”  
  
With that, she bounced up the stairs to her room leaving a tired Xander trying to get back to sleep. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen any time soon with all girls upstairs waking up, yelling at each other for dibs on the bathroom and making a big fuss over a missing shirt.  
  
 _All that for getting dressed?_  He thought aggravated and not a little frightened. Now, he knew there was no way he could close his eyes without having nightmares. Or, early morning-mares as the case might be.   
  
He sat up tiredly with a moan and looked at the clock. It was a little pass 7 A.M. He groaned. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t get enough sleep last night. At least he didn't have to call in sick, still using up his honeymoon vacation days. He could imagine how badly his boss would take it if he heard Xander's new voice. The guy was a sexist jerk when Xander brought Buffy to work at the construction site months ago.    
  
Feeling a little bit breezy on the left side of his body, he turned and grimaced at his bare shoulder. He drew the pink shirt's wide neck up to cover it, but as soon as he let go it slipped back down again.   
  
He glared.  _Who was this made for?_  
  
The noise grew louder upstairs. Xander sighed and sat up crossing his legs under him, something he noticed came a lot more easily now that he was stuck in a woman's body. He picked up the remote control, turned the TV on, and started mindlessly changing the channels – forcing his eyes to focus on the bright screen and nothing else.   
  
Spike’s hand rose and began scratching sleepily at his chest, clearly an involuntary act. Xander jumped, startled at the sudden move but couldn’t help staring at Perky Boobs. His heart started pounding at the way Spike’s hand massaged his left boob drowsily. Xander’s eyes focused on the pointed pink nipples. He gasped when his hand, that wasn't holding the remote flicking away at the button, throbbed wanting to show the sluggish hand what real massaging was like. He turned his attention back to the TV and raised the volume in hope of being distracted.  
  
Spike snarled annoyed. He sat up angrily and looked with yellow eyes at Xander, seemingly unconcerned that he was practically naked. “Keep the blare down, git!”   
  
Xander stared with wide eyes at Spike’s naked upper body. The trim waist was even fully exposed in the new position and complementing the chest even more. It had taken great effort from Xander to look up at the game-faced vamp. Spike’s long hair was messy; it made Xander touch his own hair to check if it looked as sleep ridden as Spike’s. Though he doubted it looked like he had been doing what anyone would guess Spike had done last night, a 'rump in the sack' they would say. And why was it that the unkempt look of tussled hair only added to the overall hotness of him?

“Gonna keep it down?” Spike growled making Xander jump, eyes snapping into focus.  
  
He swallowed a lump, that growl sounded too sexy. He took a deep breath and glared at Spike. “Not until you wear something.”  
  
“What?”  
  
 _What?_  The male brain screeched in Xander's head making his ears ring from the inside.   
  
“It’s morning anyway. Get up, go wear some clothes." Xander pointed at sweats folded on the chair next to the PJ's Spike refused to wear to bed.   
  
"You've gone bloody mental? They're  _purple_." Spike sounded appalled at even the thought of being in the same room with the clothes.   
  
New plan. Xander smiled devilishly. He had practiced this particular smile in front of the mirror for sometime now and finally he had a chance to use it. This would certainly help take his mind off his 'personal crisis' and give him a chance to see Spike suffering. He hated how his companion seemed to adapt to the situation better than he was. Seeing Spike gloomy in purple sweats was reason enough to make him wear them… other reason went into the box.   
  
Spike narrowed his eyes. He didn't like this. The boy—girl was planning something, and he knew he wouldn't like it. He felt his skin crawl when Xander replaced that awful mimicking of a smirk with an innocent look. It was scary when one of the Scoobies played the naive card.   
  
"What are you up to?" his voice dipped with venom.   
  
"Who, me?" Xander shrugged. He turned back to the screen giving himself a mental high five for keeping his eyes above the neck. "Oooh, look Bugs Bunny."   
  
Spike frowned and turned to see a rabbit with a carrot tripping a bald guy with a gun.   
  
Xander twisted his lips. "I know this." He changed the channel. "Oh! Tom and Jerry… classics." He clicked his tongue and changed it once again, holding back a smile when he noticed a tick appear in Spike's cheek.   
  
Spike's eyes widened. "Bloody hell, what in all that is unholy are those?!"   
  
Xander bounced. "Those are the Power Puff Girls. Bubbles - blue, Buttercup - green and Blossom - pink… she's their Buffy. Bubbles is Willow, and I get to be kick ass Buttercup."   
  
"You're…  _Buttercup_ ," he said sardonically.   
  
Xander perked up. "She's the best. Kick 'em and never asks questions."

Spike snorted looking at the three carton characters beat some poor ugly character into a messy pulp. "Sounds more like the Slayer to me."

More Girl Power stuff kept coming with scary giggles from Bubbles and Spike couldn't take it anymore. "If I wear that god awful 'purple' sad excuse for garments, you turn down the bubbly kiddy racket?"   
  
Xander gaped surprised. That was too easy. He felt a little sorry that he hadn't tortured Spike with more bright colored, loud music kids shows.   
  
"Uh- sure." Well, that wasn't as fun as he thought. Damn, evil vampire taking the fun out of everything. At least he was stuck wearing Dawn's clothes _._  All further thoughts ceased as did all Xander's functioning organs as he was rewarded with a full body view of Spike getting up in all his—her--- NAKED glory, stretching, shaking the blond locks and make them cascade in slow motion down to the middle of his back… right at the dip… where the slim waist…  
  
With the last ounce of conscious ability, Xander squeezed his eyes shut and willed his lungs and heart to start working again because he wasn't ready to find out what people were going to say about him in his funeral, how he died and why it wasn't going to be an open casket… and what they were going to write on his tombstone…  
  
"Oi! You okay? You're breathing a marathon and your heart is drumming in my ear."   
  
Xander opened one eye just a smidge looking downwards and began ascending over purple pants, a similar  _tight_  top… up a long creamy neck and finally to a concerned face. More confidently, he opened the other eye. His breathing began to regulate. Guess he started living again when he was too busy panicking.   
  
"Uh, yeah, fine," he managed to answer. Spike gave him one last searching look before shrugging and flopping next to him on the couch not forgetting to snatch the remote out of his hands to turn the volume down. Spike didn't give the remote back and began surfing.   
  
Xander didn't snatch it back, too shocked for that. Still processing what he saw and for once he wasn’t crazy enough to bring his mental box into the equation. And would it be too far fetched for him to contemplate the idea that Spike did that on purpose, not only being his usual comfortable with his nudity self? Xander turned his head to look at the vampire who returned his look with innocence. He felt the hair on the back of his neck rise and switched his gaze to the TV.  
  
Spike's finger stopped. He pointed with his free hand. "This one's better than the other two."  
  
Xander alternated between Spike and the flashing screen. The first Die Hard movie. The two heroes had only just met. Xander recognized a manly peace offering- skin notwithstanding. "Too true. Though the third wasn't bad but not as good as the original."   
  
Spike leaned back, sharing a grin.   
  
They sat in companionable silence.   
  
"Aww!!!" The two were startled and turned to look in the direction where the sound came from then blinked when their vision turned white. 

Spike and Xander rubbed at their eyes. "What the hell did you bloody bints do?!"   
  
Xander squinted. "Please tell me that wasn't a flash that blinded me just now."   
  
Spike stopped rubbed his eyes and looked at the camera Dawn was holding. He growled. "Dawn, better hand that blasted machine over here!"   
  
Dawn giggled. "But you guys looked so cute, right, Buffy?"   
  
Buffy nodded with a smirk. "Sure did. Something for the books I'd say." She inclined to her sister with her head and found the camera in her hands. She looked at them confidently. "I'm gonna take this with me so you two don't get any sudden urges to tear films." She got a twinkle in her eyes. "Gonna drop it off to be developed on my way to work."   
  
Xander smiled weakly. "But Buff. That's not very financially wise you know. Developing just for one photo."   
  
The response was a couple of eyes blinking innocently at him. Spike jabbed his side lightly.   
  
"They're better at it than us. I'm scared." Xander nodded. "What are you up to?" Spike narrowed his eyes.  
  
Buffy fluttered her lashes at him. "I'm not up to anything, Spike. I was up early this morning, a little energetic given I didn't patrol yesterday and while I was getting me some warm milk- well, let's say my photographic senses screamed at me to capture the moment." She gave the horrified two a full teeth smile. "So, see, Xander, the film only had room for one pic and I knew Dawn would whine if she didn't get to take one."   
  
Xander gulped. "You… you have a whole of film of us sleeping." A sudden thought struck him and he felt cold seep into his bones. "Me and Spike sleeping… with him and his…" Xander's mouth went dry.  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Me and what?"   
  
Xander squeaked.   
  
"Ah!" Buffy got it then. She waved her hand. "Oh, no. Don't worry I covered… that." She looked a bit awkward… and was there a hint of jealously in her eyes? Xander tried not to contemplate that too much. Buffy shrugged. "Yeah, it was too distracting for Willow when she wanted to take some digital photos."  
  
"WHAT?" Spike and Xander both screamed.   
  
At that moment, Willow came down the stairs, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. She froze at the look Xander and Spike gave her.  
  
"What?"   
  
Xander shook his head in betrayal. Spike settled for looking at her interested in that intense way he had. Willow blushed which caused Spike to leer, then swear when Xander poked him angrily. Xander shuffled away to the further side of the couch which wasn’t all that far. He didn't like that look that Spike gave Willow. Because that was his best friend who was on the receiving end of that look not for any other reason that was for sure.   
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Hey, Will, better take your digital cam with you. I'm thinking the 'guys' have some destructive feelings towards it."   
  
Willow blushed harder and just nodded before quickly excusing herself on the pretence of an early class and was out the door with only an apologetic glance at Xander.   
  
"Let’s go, Dawn, or you'll be late for school." Dawn nodded and followed her sister grinning at the same time thinking how she was going to re-write this story and edit the Hellmouth bits to share it with her friends.   
  
"Wait, you're not gonna leave me with him?!"   
  
Buffy stopped and looked at Xander. "You slept with him all night… besides he's chipped and in the same girly boat as you what's he gonna do?" Her eyes settled on Spike, who appeared a little shocked that she trusted him with her friend. She wasn't surprised, their last encounter –when he was a male- at his crypt hadn't really been a walk in the park. She'd accused him of spying on her and asked him to move on. She didn't blame him for thinking she didn't think well of him.

She sent a small smile his way, this time surprising herself. She actually trusted him.

He returned her smile, and she hoped her little nice gesture didn't raise his hopes.   
  
Xander looked from Buffy to Spike, not liking the warm smiles. His eyes widened at Buffy. "Don't tell me you got a crush on him, too?" He didn’t let himself think too hard of what had recently happened to cause this change.   
  
Buffy blinked, her cheeks went red, and dashed outside in haste.   
  
Spike tightened his jaw, also confused at Buffy’s words. Only recently she had upset him to the extent that he was willing to resort to magic to relieve what he felt for her. Now all of a sudden she trusted him with her chum? Was being a bint working for his advantage?   
  
"She said I slept with you," Xander said.   
  
Spike glared at him, more interested in the thoughts about the possibility that Buffy was finally coming around.   
  
"I did not sleep with you.” Xander whined, “Why did she have to say that?"   
  
"Why don’t you shut it?"   
  
"I was on the couch, you were on the floor… there was no sleeping together and no nakedness. Well, except that you were naked. And there was sleeping involved. But it was sleeping-sleeping. NOT 'that' sleeping," Xander went on like he didn't hear him. "She can be so nasty."   
  
"Yeah, she can." Spike glared down at the floor, hating how the new thoughts made the giddiness he'd felt over playing with Xander and later Willow dissipate. His glare deepened at the stupid purple girly hand-me-downs from the Slayer's kid sister.   
  
"Life sucks."   
  
At least one thing both Spike and Xander agreed on. That and their shared liking of Bruce Willis in explosion filled movies.   
  
"Think there gonna be a number four?" Xander asked without real feeling.   
  
Spike fell back against the couch suddenly very tired. "I wouldn't be surprised if there was." He watched another bomb go off. It didn't help.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

Spike and Xander sunk deep into the couch with as much space as possible left between them. They fell deeper into their despair when the girls had left, each one headed to her respective function. Buffy went to the Magic Box for she decided to take over now that Anya got her old job back and maybe earn some keep while she was at it, anything better than the Doublemeat Palace. Willow set off to her morning classes and Dawn to school. That left both Xander and Spike as each other's delightful company.   
  
After several minutes of sitting still in uncomfortable silence, only interrupted by the sound of the television as the credits rolled by, Xander pushed himself up and exited the living room. Spike didn't show any sign that he noticed, seemingly intrigued with the names of the stunt doubles. Rummaging could be heard. Cupboards were opening and closing, the definite sound of the fridge door being opened. Then before long, Xander came back laden with supplies. He was walking with difficulty as he was balancing four beers on top of a couple of large bags of chips. He spread the stuff on the coffee table, keeping one beer for himself then leaned back into the couch and started the mindless channel surfing, occasionally sipping from his beverage.   
  
A moment later, he held back a smile as he heard the hiss of another can opening. Soon they were sitting in comfortable silence not giving the other a single thought except when their hands fought for the last chip. Because everyone knew that it was the tastiest chip. Spike won.  
  
Xander sighed and stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom."  
  
Spike shrugged while making noticeable crunching sounds. "Don't see why you have to tell me all the exhilarating details of your life."  
  
Xander ground his teeth together to keep from barking at him. With a muffled grunt, he left for the bathroom.   
  
Spike snagged the remote and started clicking through the channels tiredly. He should be asleep during the day. But God help him if he slept in a house alone with Xander Harris. The boy already got him turned into a chick, deliberately or not. He wasn't about to allow himself to be even more defenseless in a house full of sharp weapons courtesy of the Slayer.   
  
There was a knock on the door, and Spike waited for Xander to come out of the bathroom to answer it, but nothing. He sighed and levered himself up off the couch, pulling the purple sweats back up when they threatened to fall. Thankfully, his brand new round waist kept that from happening. Spike was glad that his low-cut top was tight enough that it didn't need similar treatment and a plus for not needing a bra.    
  
 _Bet that riled the boy._  He thought snickering.   
  
The knocking returned once more with more impatience this time. Spike growled irately and quickened his step.  
  
"Bloody do everything myself, and they start to pound the door down."  
  
He unlocked the door and stepped back from it, towards the curtain protected living room and yelled, "It's open."  
  
The door opened and closed. The figure at the door froze as he opened his mouth before blinking, surprised to see him. He asked with a stutter, "I- I beg your pardon, b-but who might you be?"   
  
Spike looked confused at Giles' ignorance before he felt a devilish smile appear on his face. It seemed like Buffy asked the old watcher to come and help but conveniently 'forgot' to inform him of the reason. He held back a snicker.   
  
 _Oh, I get to play. Such joy._  
  
Giles was oblivious to this, not to mention flustered at Spike's revealing appearance. He looked anywhere but at the seemingly disheveled attractive blonde.  
  
"Are you a friend of Dawn’s?" he asked gruffly.   
  
Spike choked on a snort. He knew he looked young but it seemed that the purple sweats and the unkempt appearance made him look a little older than Dawn. Spike had no idea that he actually looked like a nineteen-year-old model that had just woken up from a very 'satisfying' sleep. Or did he?   
  
Spike fluttered his lashes confused. "Who is Dawn?" Then he faked knowledge. "Oh! You must mean that little girl in the picture. Xan-der," he said in his over exaggerated American accent, "- always makes sure that I'm here after she and the other ladies of the house have left."  
  
This time Giles looked directly at the grinning woman. "I beg your pardon?"  
  
Spike pulled on the memory of every seductive woman that had come across his path and brought forth every movie that would help him in his performance. Also, it seemed that those boring hours spent with Anya while she babbled on about Xander in bed would finally come in handy.   
  
He twirled his finger around a long blonde lock and looked under his long bangs and lashes. He pouted delicately and bit on his lower lip, smiling in satisfaction when a flush started to build on Giles’ face.   
  
"Poor guy was really down… he needed something to lift his spirits. And for the right amount I was ready to… help lift him up." There was a wicked gleam in the blue eyes. "I can get ANY one up, you know."  
  
A delicate finger was running over the long milky neck while Spike tilted his head in thought. Giles swallowed the lump in his throat before he noticed that the supple ruby lips were still moving.   
  
"… he's a Norse God in the sack, I'll have you know. Raises me up to the clouds he does." Spike licked his lips instead of grinning widely when he saw the wild green eyes looking for escape. "He really knows how to please me with his interlocking parts… work's pleasure with him. Mmmm." He sighed dramatically, making sure his chest rose and felt the heat of Giles' eyes. Spike sniffed discreetly and chuckled inwardly when he caught a very definite smell coming from the flustered man. That was only more incentive for him to continue.   
  
"…and after he rides me like a fine mare – which he keeps screaming when he's 'close' –" A whimper came from the door's direction. "-he tells me when we cuddle, which causes him extra by the way… him needing the contact and all, that if only he had a sound father figure to help him through that wedding. His own father being a drunken fool was out of the question." He sighed exuberantly. "If only there were some man he could've confided in… none of this would've happened."  
  
"Oh my…" Giles looked devastated.   
  
Spike shrugged. He never felt this- giddy was the only word that fit. "Well, all that ends well… least for me. I could retire on the cash that I got from this."  
  
"Why are you here?" Giles looked around frantically. "Is Xander here?"   
  
"We can't go to his place no more. Neighbors bother us with their yelling for us to stop… rude much!" He knew hanging around the Buffy and her friends would be good for something. He was knowledgeable in the ways of girl speak.   
  
He narrowed his eyes at Giles. "You're a friend of his?"  
  
Giles, still unmoved from his spot near the door, nodded slowly in dread.   
  
Spike gaped before bursting in frantic words.   
  
"Give me money. Xanny Hunk  -it's what he makes me call him- ran off on me and I ain't leavin' without my pay."  
  
"What?" Giles rubbed at his face.   
  
"I think Hunk-y boy is a little short for cash. He has been around the block a lot if you catch my drift." Spike winked.   
  
Giles didn't understand half of what the woman --  _Dear God… Xander hired a prostitute –_ was saying.  
  
"Xander needs money?"  
  
Spike nodded so hard it caused the blond hair to bounce. "You bet your flat English ass he does. He demanded in the last 'service' the King Treatment, and since it wasn't such a hardship for a well-hung cha--- uh, dude like him, only cost him one thousand --- bucks."   
  
"Flat… excuse me. Wait," Giles' indigence turned into even more horrified shock. "One thousand bucks? Dollars! That's awfully a lot…"  
  
"How would you know? Had your fill of some, hmm?" Spike wiggled a finger and leered. "Well, I'm not like anyone else. I have talent… and Xanny Hunk wanted the special treatment- ALL the extras. Want a list? Okay, on top there's the dominant play… he likes it when I lead… with toys of course, I'm no rooky … we have…"  
  
"Hey, you're here!"   
  
Giles jumped as he heard another unfamiliar female voice. He took a deep breath, relieving the blue color that had attacked him when he stopped breathing midway into the description. He turned around and the red rushed back to his face when he found yet another attractive girl wearing a large light blue T-shirt and darker blue sweatpants. Now this one absolutely looked Dawn's age.  
  
That made Giles' bones to turn cold. Was Xander that depressed that he needed to play a game with a striking 'experienced' harlot and a shy innocent virgin?   
  
"Oh Dear Lord… Xander hired himself TWO prostitutes!" he blurted out with gaped eyes.  
  
"WHAT?" Xander yelled before looking at Spike accusingly. "What is he talking about?"  
  
Spike was biting his lip, hard. "Rupes thinks we're hookers."  
  
"WHAT?!"   
  
Giles was trying to wrap his mind around how he can help Xander out as well as trying to remember if he ever told the young 'lady' his name.  
  
"Spike, what did you do?"  
  
Giles blinked at the name. His mind froze.   
  
 _Did she say… Spike?_    
  
His eyes narrowed as they zoomed in on the blonde who was pouting at the brunette while amazingly carrying out a death glare at the same time. Not to mention she mouthed 'party poofter'.   
  
Giles rolled his eyes with a weary sigh.   
  
Finally it all made perfect sense. How hesitant Buffy was on telling him about the problem they needed him for, only begging him to come as soon as possible because they didn't know what to do. She knew that if she had told him what really happened he would burst out laughing and then would tell her to “let the two stew” because if anyone deserved it, it would have been them.   
  
So, the blonde-haired woman was Spike and the brunette was Xander. Good heavens, did he just think that Xander was a shy innocent virgin? Well, perhaps that was better than him 'nearly' getting aroused by the female vision of Spike.  
  
He shook his head. That was why those two deserved this. They drove him bloody bonkers.  
  
"I should've realized from that horrid American accent… I figured it some kind of southern talk."  
  
Xander scoffed. "You've just insulted the south."   
  
Giles rubbed at his eyes. "I assume you're the problem, Xander?"  
  
Xander hid his face in his hands. Typical. Giles assumed that he was the reason to this. Putting aside the truth of that statement.   
  
Spike threw his arm over Xander’s shoulder. "We're always trouble. It's our 'maiden' name."  
  
Xander looked at Spike with a pained face. "Now that's bad and this is coming from me."   
  
Giles felt tired all of a sudden. The shock was unbearable. He moved to the living room, wanting to relax in his favorite place on the couch. Sadly, the dream was too good to be true, revolting pieces of chips were all over it. Four beer cans scattered over the coffee table with definite wet marks all over. He heaved a weary sigh and headed to the adjoining chair. A disgusted expression emerged on his face when his eyes fell on the untidy light blue pajamas thrown on his bloody chair!  
  
He was beginning to lose his temper. At least from within, but that was how it began. He had better watch himself. Ripper wouldn't do any good at this moment. Even though it would be extremely satisfying. He took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling. Now he was calm or as calm as he could be with  _those_  two around.   
  
He stood by the couch and disgustedly picked up the two pieces of pajamas with the tips of his fingers. He threw them on the floor with a grimace.   
  
"At least we know that you're still the same old slobs, now don’t we?" He looked from the clothes to the beer cans and chips then pushed the clothes away with the sole of his shoe.   
  
Spike snorted. "Really, there's no need to act so spooked."  
  
"Oh pray tell, why should I not be 'spooked' after your riveting story?" Giles grumbled while making himself comfortable on the couch.   
  
Xander looked at Spike, puzzled. "What did you tell him?" His inner voice yelled at him that it wasn't a good idea to ask. He held up his hands in horror. "No, no, I don't wanna know." For once, he knew to listen to the inner voice residing upstairs.  
  
He turned to Giles. "You so don't wanna know about those, Giles," he said pointing at the blue pajamas.  
  
Giles nodded agreeing. Finally, some sense around here.   
  
"I always sleep naked." Spike shrugged. "Dunno why you tiptoe around that."  
  
"Lord Almighty," Giles exclaimed, massaging his head. "Who knew knowledge could this harmful." He shot the vampire a glare.   
  
Xander smacked his hand over his eyes in embarrassment.

Spike smirked enjoying the utterly human reactions. He crossed his arms under his chest, purposely pushing the round breasts up, revealing more of the pale skin. Then he stroked his finger in a seemingly unconscious way over the separating line, bringing more attention to his ample boobs. He chuckled evilly when Giles cursed at the sight and looked away breaking the heated glare.  
  
Spike raised his eyebrow thoughtfully.  _Well, well, well… maybe being a bird could have some advantages here._    
  
Xander felt himself fume, noting the situation. First Willow, then Buffy, now Giles. Does Spike have absolutely NO dignity or restraint? He rolled his eyes. What was he thinking? Of course not. This was Spike.   
  
Sighing, Giles took off his glasses and started his usual cleaning session. An unexpected gasp made him jump slightly. He raised his eyes with apprehension.   
  
Xander pointed his finger at him, his body somewhat shaking. "You're ... you're doing it!"   
  
Spike followed Xander's pointed finger with excitement and looked at Rupert who was using his nancy handkerchief to wipe his glasses. His excitement vanished. "When’s has he never done it," he said bored.  
  
"Yeah, but do you know why he does it?" Xander asked, staring at Giles with barely masked outrage   
  
"Why?" Spike asked curious to what had gotten Harris in such a stitch.   
 "Buffy told me all that wiping is just an act so that he won’t see what we do." Xander's pointed an accusing finger at Giles. He hated how easily it was for their so called proud Englishman to discard his so called ‘Watcher’ pride - not that it wasn’t a smart idea to distract oneself from Spike’s antics, but it was the principle that mattered! Especially when Xander was involved in the fake loss of sight. Xander wondered how upset Giles really was when Willow made him blind that one time.   
  
"What?" Giles said with a tense whisper, unaware of the battling emotions within Xander. Putting his glasses back on, he looked apprehensively at the angry brown-haired ‘woman’. He remembered asking Buffy to keep that piece of embarrassing information to herself. He sighed. Maybe she did so in spite, to get back at him because he had left.   
  
He looked at the two females in front of him and couldn't help but itch to clean his glasses once more. He was sure he had missed a spot. He finally gave up, not able to see more of that, and took them off and began wiping at that maddening spot.   
  
He could tell that Xander was shaking his head and Spike was wickedly doing that… thing with his breasts. Breasts? He shuddered. With a sinking feeling, he realized that he was the only male in the group. Their group already had too many female members, they certainly didn't need more. It was a déjà vu to the feeling he had when Angel and Oz had left leaving him to be the only adult, which really didn't change when Spike joined. And he wasn't even going to go there. He still couldn't figure out how that happened.   
  
When he replaced his glasses once more, he looked hesitantly in the direction of Xander and Spike. Why were they standing so close to each other… and to him? Thankfully, Spike stopped his - toying… and Xander was no longer angry. They were looking at him expectantly now. It was as if they were hoping he would present them with the answer to their problem that very second.   
  
He shook his head. Why do they all always expect him to find the right answer instantly?   
  
He looked away from his current annoyance and was only irritated more at the sight of the messy living room. Now he noticed the sleeping bag and sheets, which clearly meant they had spent the night here although one would assume they lived here as well from the chaos.   
  
He remembered the unpleasant days when Spike used to live with him. A terrified shudder came when he remembered his stay in Xander's dank basement. Those bloody Initiative.   
  
Turning his gaze to the hopeful two, he asked, "Why don't you clean this mess right now before we try to figure this out?"   
  
Xander and Spike shared a look then burst into unwomanly gales of laughter, leaning into each other for support.   
  
Apparently, their misfortune brought them to common ground. Giles sighed and tried again, bluntly asking, “When will Buffy be back?"   
  
As quick as the laughter began it stopped and the two bodies enjoyed a second of stillness before immediately rushing to clean up the garbage.   
  
Giles closed his eyes tiredly.   
  
 _When will Buffy be back?_  


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 

 

"Willow, do I have to?"   
  
Willow sighed, tired of this already. She had thought she got the good end of the deal when Dawn called dibs on shopping with Spike, but now she wished it was the other way around. Spike leering at her with his perceptive grins was a whole lot better than Xander's whining. She thought he was bad as a boy, but she had no idea.   
  
"You can't keep wearing the same clothes everyday. I didn't keep—uh, Tara's clothes won't take this much abuse."  
  
Xander poked at the outfit in front of him. "Why do I have to look at skirts? It's not the Dark Ages, you know."   
  
Willow glared at the unyielding finger. "You need to own  _at least_  one skirt, Xander. You don't know when one might come in handy."   
  
Xander crossed his arms. "I picked one, but you didn't approve." He stuck up his nose.   
  
Willow pointed at said skirt, still clear from a distance. "You mean that tight checkered skirt?" She turned accusing eyes towards him. "The one only available in the smallest size they have and with as many colors in it a rainbow would hide its head in the sand from the shame of it all?"   
  
Xander had the dignity to blush. "I always wanted a kilt."   
  
"Which  _again_  that wasn't!"   
  
Hands waved in front of her face. "Calm down, Will, don’t want you getting any anger lines."  
  
Willow covered her face and whimpered. With a deep breath, she straightened and turned Xander around, pushing him towards a new selection of clothes.   
  
"Now, remember, Xander… it's either this or you walking around with no bra … and you'll actually feel first hand why every ‘blessing’ comes with a price."  
  
Xander looked sideways at her skeptically. But with narrowed eyes, he turned back and carefully inspected the underwear. According to all those shows on television, women were really finicky about what they wore, especially on the inside, even though no one was going to see it other than their respectable other. And even then, Xander knew from experience, they cared for what was underneath. Sure the wrapping could be nice, but the present inside was several kinds of 'nice'.   
  
Therefore, there had to be some other reason to care so much about picking out lingerie. Xander was determined to find out. He reached forward for the undergarments, but a short distance from reaching it his hand froze. He never 'really' touched any… other than that time those damn frat boys pushed him into one, and he took that off as soon as he was clear. He actually shuddered to think of who wore that. As for with Anya, she was always so eager for sex, he barely had time to see her in them before they magically disappeared and she was on him. And for the one that was on him, well that didn't count, Buffy had strapped it on him and he had yet to take it off.  
  
He pulled back his hand. He drew closer to the hanged garments and leaned his head over to peek inside at the tiny paper. He squinted to read it. The answer to women might be in there.   
  
Willow bit her lip, feeling her nails dig into her flesh. She didn't realize she was clenching her fists until the pain registered. And why wasn't she letting go? Because there was a high chance that she would punch Xander. She raked her brain, trying to think why that was a bad idea.  
  
"Willow?"  
  
That caused her to jump. Xander was too enwrapped in his 'reading' to notice. But Willow did, she knew that voice better than her own. Though whenever she heard her voice on tape it sounded like someone else.  
  
Even in the most unusual of circumstances, she couldn't keep herself from babbling, at least this time it was in her brain. She hoped.   
  
"Oh, Tara!"   
  
Tara’s vision swung from Willow to the brunette with her back to them. The other girl was currently wearing the clothes Tara was oddly missing when she had packed. The dark-haired girl was apparently buying garments with the girlfriend whom Tara had recently reconciled with post rough breakup.  
  
Willow's eyes grew twice as large. She was able to read what Tara was thinking, something anyone else in such a situation would exactly think. She was out with a girl, who was wearing her girlfriend’s clothes, not soon after they had gotten back together. Clearly the brunette had had a busy night, slept over and didn't have spare clothes so she’d worn the leftovers. And now the lovebirds were shopping together - lingerie, albeit it was at Wal-Mart. But, the thought was what counted, right? And that was something some saw as being even more intimate than spending the night. The only problem was…  _it was not true_!  
  
"No, no, Tara. It’s not what you think… it's Xander. Xander is a girl. Xander is a girl! He…"  
  
She couldn't say anymore because it was really hard to talk with a hand plastered against your mouth.  
  
"Oh, louder, why don't you, Willow?" Xander hissed in her ear. "Don't think that tattooed-biker-guy heard you.  _Jeez_.”   
  
Willow mumbled something that Xander chose to interpret as an apology.   
  
He pulled back with a relieved sigh. "I was never more thankful that Spike couldn't go out in the day." He referred to the lack of customers at that time of night.   
  
Tara took it all in stride, it was the Hellmouth after all. She shook her head. "So, what happened? And what does Spike have to do with this?"   
  
Willow opened her mouth, but Xander gave her a warning glare and she snapped it back shut.   
  
He turned to Tara. "Short version. Anya wanted to curse me… needed a chick… couldn't get one of my friends to do it - needed someone who doesn't give a damn. Surprise: Spike."   
  
Tara tried to say something, yet Xander kept on going, "But, Spike is a guy, so she needed him to be a girl for the cursing thing to work and had Harmony of all people to vengeance-wish him a girl … and in turn he wished me without my manly bits and now…" He poked his thumb into the air behind him. "I'm buying lingerie!"   
  
Tara blinked. She waited a few seconds and when no more flying words came out, she nodded. "I thought your aura looked familiar." She looked at Willow. "What spells did you use to try and change them back?"  
  
That had Willow speaking up no matter what Xander thought. "Not one. You were busy with class so I thought not to bother you. I was gonna tell you tomorrow though." She blushed.  
  
That seemed to be enough for Tara. She smiled proudly at Willow. "You did well. After all, only a vengeance demon can break her own curse."  
  
Xander snorted. "Tell that to Giles and Buffy who're still researching back at HQ."   
  
Willow drew closer to Tara conspiringly. "Actually I think they knew better than to go shopping with Xander and Spike Gone Femme. It’s scary."

Fact was, when Buffy had finally returned home, she promptly decided that Spike and Xander couldn't keep walking around in hand-me-downs, it was unwomanly, and that there was a need for an impromptu visit to Wal-Mart. Spike and Xander had changed back into last night's clothes, much to Giles' relief, Willow had noticed, and were sent out with Willow and Dawn plus a list of groceries. And yes, if the boys-in-disguise were on their good behavior, they could buy snacks, but not too much, because it would ruin their figure.   
  
"Hey!"   
  
Tara giggled at Xander's outrage. "Where is Spike anyway?"   
  
Willow smiled at Tara's ease and acceptance of the situation. "Dawn is chaperoning him. It seemed like a good idea at first…" She and Tara shared a wince.   
  
"Maybe we should see how they're doing?"   
  
Willow sighed. "I wish. We haven't even bought one thing for Xander." She perked up. "Hey wanna help? Two minds are better than one."   
  
Tara grinned widely and nodded, drawing closer to Willow. Without delay, they started looking through things, occasionally glancing at Xander with calculating looks.   
  
Xander gaped. "What about my third mind? Girls… Will… Tara?" He ran up to catch them barely stopping to pick up the now full basket. "Put down those high heels!"

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Spike and Dawn walked along the piles of clothes, looking for yet more clothes for the second basket they had. They had the same taste in outfits. Dawn wasn't shocked at all about Spike's stylish choice in clothes - as stylish as Wal-Mart clothes could get.   
  
Her eyes caught the cute earrings hanging with similar accessories. She checked their price and found that they cost five dollars. Well, they were cute, but, five dollars? Well, no one would notice them if she …

No. She had promised Buffy. But, how would Buffy know? 

"Better pay for those, Bit."  
   
She startled, turning her wide eyes at Spike's knowing stare.  
  
"I like the way your mind works," he said. "But I don't want to be a pile of dust by big sis' favorite stake." Nor did he want to see her getting hurt, but no way he was saying that to the chatty rugrat.  
  
"I wasn't …" Dawn began, but trailed off at Spike's raised eyebrow. "How did you know?" she whispered sheepishly.  
  
"Your heartbeat sped up a little, and the way you gazed at them. Easy to tell." He shrugged. Vampire hearing was the best; he could make a fortune acting as a lie detector, given that the person lying had a working heart.   
  
"You're not gonna tell Buffy about this, are you?" Dawn asked, worried.  
  
"Well, I'm evil. Of course, I would. But tell you this- with humble 'blackmail', shall we say, I'm keeping my sweet plump lips shut." He smirked nastily.  
  
Dawn glared. "What do you want?"  
  
"Me and you, Bit, sneaking at Xandra in the shower with a cam, for a little leverage of my own on him, how does that sound?"  
  
Dawn smirked wickedly. "Sounds like a fair trade." Then she poked him in the chest playfully. "Just don't take advantage of him 'too' much."   
  
"Cross my dead heart and hope for a third date with Mr. Pointy."   
  
They chuckled maliciously, before Dawn took the earrings and put them in the basket. She turned to Spike. "At least Xander is paying for all this stuff."  
  
Spike fingered a skimpy beige top with a single strap and brown and light purple smudges, glittery in the front and back. It would barely cover anything and would definitely show his well defined stomach. "What do you think of this?" he asked her while checking out two similar tops which only differed in their special shade of violet.  
  
Dawn stared at it in awe. "Wild and sexy. Can I have it when you go back to being a manly big bad?"  
  
Spike tilted his head, looking between it and Dawn. "Will Buffy let you wear it?"  
  
"She doesn't need to know." She flung her hair back in rebellion.   
  
Spike grinned and placed the shirt in the already overflowing basket, most would more than likely be worn by Dawn, bought under the pretence that Spike needed them. Spike felt like he wanted to spoil the kid, which was easy since it wasn't coming out of his pocket.   
  
"Guess you're gonna have to make more space in that stacked dresser of yours then." He was distracted from her squeal and hug when his eyes caught a glittery bit in the accessory section that Dawn was facing before.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"Oh, look there they are." Tara waved at Dawn who waved back. They all had good timing as they were heading at the same time towards the checkout. Tara grimaced. There was no way they were leaving early if they added up the three full baskets that the Dawn and Spike to the two she and Willow had filled. 

Tara had come to the store at this hour of the night because she needed to shop for particular items in a short time but that didn't seem likely now. She had fun shopping with Willow and Xander, though. 

She looked at Spike as he walked beside Dawn, grinning at her and making her laugh. He was really attractive as a woman, but she guessed that she would have recognized him even if Xander and Willow hadn't filled her in on the new predicament, as the female vampire still had the most prominent features Spike had before the curse. It was interesting to see that he held himself the same way in the unchanged attire. He still walked the same way demanding attention from everyone with the confidence of someone knowing that they were very attractive and they expected everyone to acknowledge that. And by the looks of the few people scattered in the store at this time of night, it was working.  
  
It was different with Xander. He had always been timid in the way he presented himself compared to other men, but learned in recent years to hold himself with confidence. However, it was like all of that was sucked out of him when he changed sexes. He was more slumped into himself, unsure of anything - just not feeling comfortable in his new skin like Spike was. Tara was also sure that Spike had acted more positive to rile up Xander even more.   
  
She was about to share that thought with Willow, but then she noticed that her girlfriend's attention was on something else – or on someone else in particular. Tara didn't need to follow Willow’s gaze to know that she was looking at Spike. The vampire had exuded raw sexuality before Anya made him a female so much so that Tara could feel it. It wasn't surprising that as a woman, Willow would find him more striking.   
  
A side grin appeared on Tara's face.   
  
"Willow, what's so interesting?" she asked openly. "Are you looking at Spike? He is really pretty as a female, isn't he?"  
  
Willow froze and shook her head frantically. "Spike?" She chuckled hesitantly. "What are you talking about? Oh, look there he is with Dawn… I hadn't noticed. I was engrossed in that poster that he and Dawnie are walking in front of." She giggled lightly at Tara's mistake. "Yeah, that's it." She nodded, raising her head in proud self-assurance.   
  
"You're looking at 'Condoms 10%' off?" Tara blinked at a frozen Willow. "Is there something you need to tell me, Will?"  
  
When Willow actually read what the sign said, she flushed a bright shade of red and started apologizing, telling Tara how much she loved her and how she wouldn't look at anyone else again, she promised!   
  
Tara felt sorry for playing that way with her girlfriend and hugged her as Dawn and Spike drew closer, telling her it was okay, she didn't blame her, that like she had said Spike was very good-looking and that she loved her too.   
  
Xander stood beside them, fuming. It was like he wasn't even there. Tara now was all but writing her application to Chick Spike Appreciation Club. Spike and Dawn were laughing and obviously had a fun time, not like him, acting closer than they were the summer Buffy was... away. They were giggling and looking at him like they were 'girl friends' carrying so many clothes, he was going to be bankrupted. But 'oh wait' like Giles mentioned; that since it was 'technically' Xander's fault that he had angered Anya, causing all this mess in the first place, the least he could do was chip in to buy clothes for him and Spike. After all, the money he had saved for the Honeymoon was just 'sitting there'.  
  
Stupid not-tweedy-any-more-Giles. What a time to not be British!   
  
"Guess you're a girl at heart- eh, Spike?"  
  
Spike only raised an eyebrow. "That's weak, Harris, even for you."   
  
The checkout girl who was half way through their purchases by now heard the name Harris and asked Xander if he was related to 'Rebecca Harris'.   
  
Xander looked flustered as he paid her and took the receipt. Mumbling, he said he didn't know who she was talking about, yes, he would like paper, please, and sorry he couldn't stay and chat they had some girly movie to catch. He picked up one of the bags and rushed out to his car with the sounds of Spike and Dawn laughing following him out.

His thoughts raged. 

_Stupid Spike for making fun of him. Stupid Dawn for choosing to mock him with Spike. Stupid Willow for having the hots for Spike. Stupid Tara for agreeing that Spike was hot. Stupid Buffy and Giles for sending them here in the first place, bet they think Spike is hot too. Stupid everyone._

"Harris!" Spike called.  
  
"What?" Xander muttered gruffly, jerking open the car door. He exhaled wearily, turning his eyes Spike's way.   
  
"Catch." Spike threw a little shiny trinket at him. Xander caught it easily then gazed down at it. It was a bracelet, a nice looking one, not like he was an expert or anything. He looked up at Spike, confusion written all over his face.  
  
Spike shrugged. "Thought it'd look good on you." With that he placed the two bags he held in one arm in the trunk and helped the girls with rest. Not out of his kind-female-vampire-un-dead-heart, he had a soap he didn't want to miss.   
  
Xander blinked for a few minutes, and then smiled, shaking his head. He threw the bracelet on top of the dashboard and didn't say anything when Spike sat in the front seat with him as he pulled away from the market and headed back to the Summers' residence. His eyes would occasionally fall to the dashboard before snapping them up, worried that someone might notice, but unable to help stop the smile from growing.

He caught himself doing that in the rearview mirror. 

He decided that he was 'pretty' when he smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

 

 

Xander eyed Spike's extreme make up with horror as they walked the streets. What scared him was how hot Spike looked with the smoky eye shadow and the blood colored lip gloss. He'd spent less than fifteen minutes turning his face into this perfection before he grabbed Xander's arm and dragged him into the silent night. However, it wasn’t so silent since Xander wouldn’t stop complaining about how crazy the idea of them going to one of the most exclusive of the few clubs that Sunnydale had.

Alone.

In chick form.

“I’m going home,” Xander said, and, yet, he kept walking alongside Spike.

“Okay.”

“I mean it this time.”

Spike stubbed his cigarette on the corner wall they passed. “Sure you do.”

“Ugh, I’m stopping. Look, my feet aren’t moving!” And he did stop. Right until Spike disappeared around the corner and Xander realized that he was alone in a dark street. On the Hellmouth.

“Wait!”

Five minutes later, Xander whined. “My feet hurt.”

“You’re the one who decided to wear those.”

“Make me taller,” Xander muttered. His memory flashed back to the reason of the painful footwear - a mere two hours ago. The worst forty-five minutes of his life.

Giles had been smart enough to remain at the Magic Box on pretense that finding a cure for Xander and Spike was of the utmost importance. Buffy, on the other hand, apparently used her Slayer Speed to get from the shop to her house when Dawn had called her temporary work place and spoke those nightmarish words, “Fashion Show.”

Xander had known then that the warning ringing in his head should be heeded. He needed to escape. He'd seen enough television to know what was going to happen – and they said T.V. was a poor reflection of life, so he really didn’t want to find out how bad it could get. Tara was in the kitchen with Dawn fixing up refreshments when Xander heard Dawn speak to Buffy on the phone. However, the front door was wide clear. Xander cast an eye at the living room and saw Willow engrossed in conversation with Spike of all people. There was no time to lose. Spike was a casualty in war. He could not get to him, not that he even wanted to. Someone had to survive, and Xander chose himself.

Slinking towards the door in –if he had to say- really well-honed army techniques, he had his hand on the doorknob and his eyes made sure that the coast was clear before he opened the door silently. Biting his lower lip, he moved outside, back first, before slamming into an obstacle. An obstacle with strong hands that clutched his arms.

“Hey, Xander.”

“Buffy! Back… so quickly?” he squeaked as he tried to turn around fruitlessly.

“Took a shortcut.” Buffy grinned. Knowingly, she asked, “Going somewhere?”

Xander gulped. “Um... who? Me? Nah. Stuffy,” he said, pointing his thumb at the house. “Needed some air.”

Buffy gave him a knowing grin and pushed him back inside. And that was when the terror began.

The nightmarish night would forever be etched in his memory. They had him and Spike walk back and forth in the various clothes they bought. Spike, of course, hadn't been bothered. He had modeled those clothes like a pro, getting applauded left and right, and the mooning stares –mostly from Willow. He seemed to have great fun at the attention, forgetting completely that he should be as miserable as Xander in their joint predicament.

Xander, however, hadn’t fared as well. He had scurried his way across the mock run way on high heels higher than Posh Spice's, and bruised his knee in the first fall, jabbed his elbow in the second, and his butt was still sore from the last. Needless to say, he was the butt of jokes and laughs throughout the humiliating fashion show.

"Ouch!"

Spike stopped and peered at him over his shoulder.

"I think I bruised my other knee," Xander whimpered, looking at his torn jeans. "Stupid Posh Spice high heels."

 

~*~*~*~

 

There was a long line in front of the club entrance. It didn’t seem like it was moving. Xander flashed a wide grin at Spike. “Aww, guess our guy-turned-girl night out is a bust.” He faked a pout, then grinned again.

“Why’s that?” Spike asked, nonchalant.

“Look,” Xander said, pointing at the bulky bouncer. “No way can we get in. That-- is not letting anyone through.”

Spike smirked. “Watch the master. Follow me.”

Xander shook his head scornfully and followed. No way could Spike work his way out in this one. Xander was going to be treated with a nice sight of Spike humiliation. Finally, life was going to be on Chick Xander’s side.

Unfortunately for Xander, life had its own plans in mind – and ‘his side’ was not in them. For no more than a minute later, he found himself blinking as he stared at the inside of the dark club. He turned to Spike. “How the hell did you do that?”

Spike looked smug. “Called using your charm, mate.” He tilted his head, curiously. “You know what that is, right?”

Xander looked back at the door, still not believing how the giant man had easily let both of them in. “Whoa, that never happened to me before,” Xander said, taken aback. “And I have a kick ass Slayer for a best friend.”

“Well, now, ducks, you have kick ass body for a friend.”

Xander knew he should have felt degraded. But, since he wasn’t really a woman, he beamed. “Thanks.” Then he noticed what the people who weren’t sitting on the few tables and at the bar were doing.

“What are they doing?” he asked.

“Dancing.”

“That’s dancing?” Xander said, mouth gaping. It looked more like an unidentifiable mesh of bodies grinding against each other.

Spike shook his head with a snort. “Been living under a square rock there, mate?”

Xander was too shocked by the sight of two women rubbing their bodies together to be offended.

“Stick with me, kid.” If Xander went on a limb, he would think that Spike was having fun on his expense. “And I’ll even show ya how to get some free booze.”

“You’ve done this before?” He pointed up and down at Spike’s body. “When you didn’t look like this?”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “For an effeminate man, you’re pretty blind, aren’t you?” He walked towards the dance floor and stood at the edge for a few seconds, looking impatiently at Xander. "Get your butt out here!" was barely heard over the blaring thumping music.

Xander stumbled forwards. Standing before Spike, he looked a little nervous. "So… what first?"

"Pretend I'm a chick."

"You are!" Xander said confidently with a triumphant grin.

Spike did not roll his eyes but he did purse his lips. "In your head, Harris. You still think of me as the hunk of vamp meat I was."

Xander, on the other hand, did roll his eyes.

Spike poked him lightly on the forehead. "Look into my eyes, poof. See the chit."

Xander narrowed his eyes, looking into Spike's. He sighed a few moments later. "They're the same as they were. All blue and stuff."

Spike let out a small warning growl. "Limp for brain, pretend I'm not Spike. I'm some female you met in a bar and want to shag."

"We call them girls or women these last decades."

"Hardy-har-har. Why bother." Spike started off but a hand stopped him.

"No, wait, Spike."

"What?" Spike hissed.

Xander opened his mouth then closed it. "I don’t know."

"Uggh. You know, Anyanka should've shrunk your penis and balls, seeing as how little you use them."

Xander glared deadly at Spike. "I don't have a penis anymore. Don’t cha' think that's worse?"

"You want me to teach you how to dance or not?"

Xander's mouth flapped open. "Aaah, so that's what you wanted." He seemed to think for a moment, his eyes shifting to look at those still grinding, sweaty women. He shrugged all casual-like. "Sure."

Spike heaved a sigh, knowingly. Xander let out a faint leer as he headed to the section of the dance floor closest to those women.

"Excuse me," a voice stopped Xander short. He looked back and saw the source of the voice –a tall, blond man- leaning towards Spike. "I couldn't help but notice you standing here alone and thought to ask you for a dance." He flashed a wide white grin.

Xander felt a giggle rise up in his throat and turned anticipating the great spectacle that was Spike thoroughly humiliating the man as he turned him down.

"Okay."

Xander's jaw dropped open. His mind was screaming, OKAY?! But he couldn't form the words out loud.

Spike, noticing Xander's distress, turned with a bashful look on his pretty face. "Don’t worry, Xandra, this will only take a song." He threw a smile over his shoulder and turned with a flourish and a twist to his hips.

As Spike walked away -hand in arm- and with the guy's voice floating to Xander, "Oh, you're British, that's so sexy…"

Xander gritted his teeth. The jerk was having fun on his expense.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Twenty minutes later, Xander was sipping his light beer at the bar, watching Spike twist in the middle of four men to that seemingly eternal one song. He had strong suspicions that the DJ was in on it. Xander sighed into his drink and shook away the persistent voice that was hounding him to partake in one of those bubbly colorful fruity drinks that women drink now that he was one of them. Xander was strong in the face of this stereotype.

Three seconds before Xander fell under the pressure of what he insisted was womanly hormones overtaking his brain and asked for a colorful bubbly, Spike flopped down with a tired laugh and a little stretch. Xander did not fail to notice how the bartender's eyes zeroed in on Spike's low cut burgundy top. He now was sure that he would not grace the perv bartender with ordering one of those surely expensive drinks. He finally snapped his own eyes from Spike's bust when a male voice asked for a dance.

"Spike…" Xander waved at him to bring him to the attention of yet another suitor.

"Xandra, it's rude to ignore someone when they're talking to you." Spike teased with a cute laugh.

Xander barely spoke past "No one is…" when the voice next to him nearly made him jump. And it wasn't because his butt was numb from all the sitting.

"Zandra, that's a pretty name."

"Who…?" Xander turned his eyes from the olive green pair to encouraging blue ones. "Yeah, that's me. Mom thought she was a hippy."

"So, you didn't answer my question." Olive grinned widely, showing a set of very clean and white teeth, much better than Tall Blond Accent Chaser Guy's.

Xander fluttered his lashes. He turned a suspicious eye towards Spike when he suspected he heard a choked laughter but Spike was merely sipping what seemed like whiskey – busy distracting the bartender from his job.

Xander threw his hair to the back. He remembered Cordelia doing that a lot. "I guess that's my song then." The guy flashed him another grin and helped him down from the stool.

Xander cast a smug look Spike's way. "Save my seat, Wilma." He was mature enough not to stick out his tongue. Especially since he thought his guy looked twice as hot as all those four put together.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander giggled into his green apple bubbly drink. "Did you see me out there, Spike? I rocked the dance floor. And I didn't trip on my heels more than two times." That one time Olive caught him didn’t count.

Spike nodded. "Yeah, you were a real dirty dancer."

"And you better know it too." Xander sipped the cool drink confidently, really pleased with himself. He almost choked when he caught himself on the small mirror the woman next to him used when applying a coat of lip gloss. He looked like one of those girl next door chicks who felt overconfident when some guy said two words to them. How pathetic.

He glanced at Spike, who gracefully drank another glass of something strong, sending bored stares toward Pervert Bartender. So many guys had asked him to dance, and he still acted blasé.

Xander looked down at his drink, and then pushed it away. He turned his body to face the dance floor and mentally scowled at himself.

A buffed up guy was walking toward him. Xander's eyes widened at the sight of scary tattoos covering his muscled upper arms and the thick beard accentuating his butch features. Was he going to ask him to dance? No, he'd say no this time. 

His eyes couldn't leave the skull shaped tattoo.

He lifted his chin up and readied himself to let down the man easy.

But the guy stood next to him, and yelled an order for a couple of beer glasses. Was he ordering one for Xander? Maybe he thought his looks wouldn't be enough to lure Xander, he'd have to buy his approval.

However, when the orders were brought to him, he grabbed the first glass and drank it hungrily, then took the other one and gulped at it with happiness.

Xander felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment before he realized that it was all in his head. No one noticed.

The sounds of gulps stirred his bladder to life, and he turned towards Spike. He shut his mouth when Spike was engrossed with another flirting session with another cool dude that didn't look like a biker moonlighting as a wrestler.

Xander frowned at himself. He wasn't about to ask Spike to tag along to the restroom, was he? That was what girls did, and Xander wasn't one. On the inside.

The Ladies Room was so crowded with woman holding all manners of conversation like it was a reception area, Xander almost didn’t come in. That must have been the reason why girls didn't venture into this den without a companion. He looked at the lonely walls, wishing for a simple no delay urinal. Men had it way easier.

After what felt like an hour in the over perfumed bathroom, Xander headed back to his seat, feeling like life was sucked out of him. He caught Olive chatting with Spike. Was he looking for Xander? He sighed. He had enough of this game; he really shouldn't lead the guy on. Besides, the guy didn’t even have the good manners to give him his name.

Hurrying his steps, he stopped short when he heard the ridiculed laugh. "Aw, c'mon, I danced with your little friend. Now you need to keep your end of the deal."

Something inside Xander snapped. He didn't need a mirror to know his face looked like someone just slapped him, hard. And not because one of the ‘ladies’ in the bathroom insisted he looked pale and needed a fresh coating of war paint.

Spike looked Olive up and down, lips formed an attractive smile. “Did we shake on something? All I remember is me pointing out that you might find your jollies with my friend there.”

Olive wasn’t deterred and tried his best flirting techniques – Xander had first hand account of how good they were, but Spike was the master of dismissals. He didn’t even pause with a particularly inventive one - not that Xander had a few minutes before.

Xander broke out of his jumbled thoughts when he felt something pinch his ass. He was three steps closer to his destination before it actually hit him what happened. Deciding to use this new incident as fuel to his fire, he forged forward – smartly bypassing a frat boy with two jugs of beer without incident.

Spike was a little startled when he noticed Xander standing near him, fuming with rage.

"So, that was a pity dance?" Xander asked, tightening his fists.

Unexpectedly, Spike's expression dissolved into a smirk. "You're welcome."

If looks could burn, Spike’s head would have combusted into flames from Xander’s furious glare. "I don't need your pity. I can get a guy to notice me just fine." He stalked towards the dance floor.

"Tad too early for that time of month, aint it?" Spike called at the rigid back, amusement in his voice.

Xander turned around and gave him the finger – giving more sense to Dawn’s particular choice of ring finger. Barely taking in the impressed look on Spike’s face, he quickly disappeared into the mass of people.


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

Xander breathed out a frustrated sigh, not bothering to brush back the hair that fell over his face. Attracting guys was one hell of a job, not easy at all. He had tried the confident walk near four hot guys not two minutes ago, mentally singing  _I'm Too Sexy_  to help him play the part, but no one even glanced at him. What the hell did Spike have as a chick that  _he_  didn’t have?

Maybe Xander wasn't as glamorous and exotic looking as Spike was, but he didn't scream butt ugly either. A wasted middle aged guy  _so_  grabbed his butt when he had exited the lady’s room for the third time that night.

Xander opened his mouth to yawn but quickly flipped it into a friendly smile when he caught one man glancing at him. His excitement quickly deflated when he realized that the person getting checked out wasn’t him but the guy standing behind him.

 _Damn it!_ He smacked his hand over his face before his thoughts took another scary track. _What the Hell am I doing? I don’t want to hook up with a guy!_

Xander couldn’t believe that he let Spike into his head so easily. This night was a bust the second Spike put him in those deadly heels. He glanced at his watch, it was past midnight. While Cinderella had the stroke of twelve as her curfew, they had to be home before sunrise or there would be one less emasculated man at the Summers’ overly female populated abode. And as much as Xander was wound-up by Spike, his misery didn’t want to be the only one of its kind in this predicament.

He looked around, hoping to find the particular blond shade in a sea of gorgeous people. There he was, Xander thought frowning. Spike was barely visible for he was surrounded by three shades of men. Xander huffed, looking away only to watch as people began pairing up left and right as they tended to do at this time of night.

Xander’s doubts quickly returned. It was true that he had absolutely no interest in meeting men; nevertheless, Spike had all but called him out as a failure and a charity case. It was Spike’s idea to have a ‘fun night out’ after all. Try out our new skin, he said. The girls did say they looked fetching.

Xander grumbled. If he went back to Spike without a man crushing after him, especially after storming off so resolutely, he would be free game for Spike's witty ridicule. And knowing the vampire, he wouldn’t waste a second’s time in spilling the night’s events to the gang tomorrow – retail his triumph and Xander’s failures. Xander wouldn’t put it past Spike to embellish as well, the evil fiend. 

Resolution was reestablished. Xander wasn’t doing this because he  _wanted_  to do it; he was doing this because he needed to show Spike that he wasn’t as helpless as he was made to seem. He scanned the crowd again, searching for the opportune good-looking guy. He finally stopped at a classically looking guy chatting up a tall girl. The man appeared more interested in closing the deal than making a connection.

Maybe Xander should try a new approach.

With confidence in his eyes, Xander made his way to his target. He poked Tall, Dark and Horny on the shoulder. The intent blue eyes turned from the brunette with unattractive blonde-streaks in her hair he was flirting with toward Xander, the man’s face a picture of annoyance. He clearly didn’t appreciate being distracted from his goal.

"Would you like to dance?" Xander figured the confident girl would appeal to the new age men.

The guy looked him up and down, making calculating eyes between this new girl and the one he had been working on. Xander was close enough to notice that the girl looked really tipsy.

Horny Blue Eyes chose the obvious ‘easy’ target. “Busy here.” He turned away from Xander, making fake apologies to his ‘date’.

Xander glared daggers at the two. He gave his mind a mental slap when he found himself actually studying the girl’s drunken giggles. He had to stop trying to think like a girl and think like a guy –he was a man in spite of everything.

What did a guy really want?

Xander glanced at his chest and unbuttoned a couple of buttons.

"Oh, Blue-Eyes," he said seductively, doing the hand-on-hip thing that Cordelia had used in high school to drive him crazy.

The guy turned around ready to snap at him to take a hike when his jaw dropped, eyes unable to stare away from the full boobs. Tipsy’s rack was no match to Xander’s – that was a fact. Work to your strengths, he thought. Xander pushed his chest forward and fluttered his long lashes.

Horny Blue was captivated. He didn’t even notice the animated lashes.  

"Matt," Tipsy sounded in drunken displeasure.

Xander smiled smugly at her and he did that fancy little catwalk turn toward the bar, swooshing his hips. He breathed a sigh of relief when he accomplished the move without falling flat on his face. He skipped the celebratory goofy grin for without looking behind him, his male mind told him that ‘Matt’ was hot on his precarious heels, tongue dangling like a hungry dog.

Xander’s happiness was short lived because Spike wasn't sitting where he had been before so he could humbly witness Xander's moment of glory. Cursing under his breath, he searched the dance floor. Spike wasn't there either.

He couldn't have left without him. Right?

Xander looked around frantically, where the hell did the bastard disappear to? Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. His heart suddenly jumped when a hand found itself on his hip. Stupid Matt made the matters worse with the way he pushed himself against Xander’s back.

Xander’s fighting skills instinctively came forth, pushing the horny man away with a selective jab to the ribs. Matt fell back, holding his waist in pain.

"Fucking teasing whore." Matt glared at him only to slip away when people started looking at them strangely. He was most likely rushing in hopes of finding Tipsy, his night might still have a happy ending. 

Xander sighed, so much for  _his_  moment of gloating glory.

He continued his search for Spike – the one responsible for this mess of a night. 

He stopped in his tracks, almost bumping into one of the dancers as his eyes caught a particular sight near the exit. Tattooed Biker Dude was easy to spot in the sea of club goers – but it wasn’t recalling what had almost happened earlier that night that had Xander frozen in shock. It was the fact that the buffed up man was dragging a blonde woman outside the club under the cloak of the music and the intoxication. And it wasn’t any woman being accosted; it was Spike – who was apparently far too proud to call out for help. The man’s meaty hand was a tight grip on Spike's slender arm, unaffected by Spike's struggles.

Spike was clearly pulling back so not to trigger the chip.

_The chip!_

Wide eyed, Xander ran after them, his heart thumping. This was not happening. He nearly took a tumble as his shoes slipped on something wet, but that didn’t slow him down. In mere seconds, he was outside.

He looked around and only saw a couple of drunken kids walking towards the club, laughing over a suspicious looking cigarette. Breathing hard, he almost missed Spike’s distinctive curses coming out from a nearby alley.

The moment he reached them, Spike had just broken free from the grabbing hands. He didn’t waste any second before swinging a leg at Biker Dude, the pointed kick was succeeded by a duel of anguish screams; Spike's cry engulfed his assailant’s. Biker Dude clutched his neck in pain, staggering against the wall while Spike fell to the floor, holding his head and groaning.

"Bitch," Biker Dude snapped, his voice tight from pain. He approached Spike with unsteady steps, his gaze threatening serious hurt.

"Spike!" Xander called, rushing toward them, standing between the large man and Spike. "Leave him alone, pal."

The jerk's eyes fell on Xander's breasts, and a wolfish desire shined in them, his interest shifting to a new prey.

Xander promptly buttoned his shirt and placed his hands on his hips, a challenging stare fixed on his face.

“Want to try me, Gigantor?” Xander held up a bedazzled lip-gloss that Dawn had snuck in his bodice. “One touch would release a rape alarm that would totally catch the attention of those narks posing as potheads outside the club.”   

The guy only paused a moment. With a snarl, he escaped surprisingly fast for a guy with his bulk.  

After making sure that the coast was clear, Xander turned to Spike. "Are you all right?" He looked pointedly at the torn top. "That must not have been a pleasant experience."

"What? Being too irresistible?" Spike scoffed, pushing himself up off the dank ground and shaking his head – something Xander was used to seeing post-chip zapping. “I’m sure you can’t relate.”

Something in Xander snapped. “Well, that’s what you get for showing off.” He crossed his arms and forced down the guilt that quickly rose up with him blurting those words. He looked away.

“Harris.”

Xander turned and a split-second later, had the pleasure of choking on his heart as Spike’s fist made a hole in the wall right next to his head. An inch to the right and Xander missing a penis as well as his failure in keeping up with Spike wouldn’t have mattered any more. 

Xander gulped. “Message received.” 

Spike tisked, shaking the rubble off his fist. “You’re just too easy.” He turned, leaving Xander looking confused.   
  
A sudden moment of revelation hit Xander. “Did you do all that just to make fun of me?” his voiced cracked in anger.   
  
Spike instantly turned around, raising his arms up to the world. “Well, DUH, braintard! You catch up quick,” he said derisively.   
  
“Why?” Xander asked desperately.   
  
“Why do you think?” Spike asked, face expressionless.   
  
“You’re evil?”   
  
Spike shrugged. “Well, there’s that.” He titled his head. “But, oh, how about you being the root of my current emasculated predicament?”   
  
Xander gaped.   
  
Spike stalked around the small area. “That steroid junky was a grand closing, wasn’t he? Defanged and made into a friggin victimized bint – Angelus would have a ball.” He pointed a finger at Xander. “And you’re upset that I take you on a stroll? What do you  _really_ think?”   
  
“Sorry.”   
  
“Huh.” Spike blinked, befuddled at the word.   
  
“I’m sorry.” Xander held his palms up. “Not for the chip,  _that_ you totally had coming. But the – other, it wasn’t your fault. Anya did that. Because of me. So, yeah. My bad.”   
  
Spike scoffed. He made an unconscious movement that Xander had quickly learned to read as Spike hankering for a smoke, but he was out of luck because he left his duster at home in favor of the tight fitting clothes. 

Xander was kind of enjoying seeing Spike left speechless for a change. 

Spike growled, sanctioning this win.   
  
"Let's go back before I turn into dust." 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

 

Xander did not like how the ceiling looked. His critical construction worker eyes spotted small cracks here and there. He might as well suggest repainting it for Buffy - just to have something useful to do – something to get his mind off  _things_. He really missed his job, his apartment… and most of all, he really missed being himself.   
  
From his place on the couch, Xander looked over at Spike in his sleeping bag and found him also gazing into space. Apparently, both of them couldn't bring themselves to sleep after what had happened earlier that night.   
  
Xander was surprised at the guilt that had crept inside him. He never thought he'd actually feel guilty when Spike was concerned. He had even surprised himself earlier tonight when he'd sincerely apologized to Spike.   
  
Maybe he did it because Spike's confession came out of the blue. Xander was completely fooled into thinking that Spike wasn't as freaked out as he was in their predicament. He had seemed to get pleasure from the sex change – particularly when it came to messing with Xander.   
  
"I envy you," Xander whispered. Spike didn't even glance at him. "You're handling it way better than I am – even if it's an act."   
  
There was no answer to that, and Xander figured that he would be ignored for the rest of the night, maybe even a few days to come. But then Spike twisted an arm under his head, using it as a pillow, and said, "Live as long as I do and you'll learn to make things work for you, fate be dammed."   
  
Xander was more concerned that the action didn't cause a boob to pop out –as Spike was naked  _again_ – than paying attention to what was being said. Forcing himself to focus, he asked, "So, Sensei. How do you do it?" He levered himself up on one elbow. "How do you act all cool and nonchalant?"   
  
"Easy. Instead of spotlighting  _my_ misery, I turn it onto someone else." Spike smirked. "Some other poor bugger, who not only serves as a distraction for fate's calamity, but is also justly entertaining."   
  
"You mean, like Giles?" Xander asked, grinning, Giles' reaction the other day still fresh in his mind.   
  
"Ah. The student is catching up to the master."   
  
Xander preened. "I will soon no longer be a mere Padawan."   
  
Spike scrunched his nose as if in pain. " _That_ needs a lot of work."   
  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~ 

 

  
  
The band performing at the Bronze for the night was singing too loudly for Tara's liking. She didn't mind hard Rock & Roll, but there was a fine line between music and plain screaming. It was like she was trapped in a special edition of WWE thunderdome. Tara could barely hear Willow's flirting, and she had really gotten used to it. After they'd gotten back together, Willow wouldn't go a second without a little sweet talking.   
  
Tara shot the band one of her rare glares for spoiling what should have been a special moment.   
  
"What?" Dawn yelled at Buffy when she said something that went unheard.   
  
"This shouldn't have happened," Buffy yelled back, waving in their faces what appeared to be a broken nail.   
  
Dawn patted Buffy's back, patronizingly. "Vampires have no manners these days."   
  
"Especially Spike," Buffy said, missing Dawn’s eye roll as she was eying the club's entrance. "Punctuality is not a virtue of his. Not that he has that many in the first place."   
  
The racket so-called-music finally stopped, and Tara sighed in relief. She snapped her fingers next to her ears to check if they still worked.   
  
Buffy took a deep breath, clearly happy that she didn't have to scream when talking. "He'd invited us for a night in the Bronze and he doesn't have the decency to show up on time." She couldn’t believe she let Dawn talk them into coming in the first place. She did not like being stood up.   
  
"Xander didn't show either," Tara pointed out.   
  
"They'd left the Magic Box early today," Buffy said. "Much to Giles' relief. Spike wouldn't stop fake flirting with him. For some reason, Xander jumped in the teasing game, starling Giles a couple of times from behind."   
  
"Poor Giles," Tara said sympathetically.   
  
"I wish I was there." Dawn giggled. "I bet it was so much fun."   
  
Tara looked at Dawn with disapproval. "Knowing Spike, he must have gone over the top."   
  
"Actually, it was fun," Buffy said with a laugh as she recalled a particularly amusing moment when Spike had by some means gotten Giles to brush against his breast. She never thought that Giles could have that many shades of red. "I was kinda disappointed when they had to leave." They were a good distraction from the sometimes monotonous workday. Moreover, she had noticed a new vigor in Giles’ search for an answer to their female problem – and his.   
  
"Spike's here," Willow blurted, excited.   
  
Everybody looked towards the door. Spike appeared to be trying to drag something inside. A hand soon came into sight and they realized that Spike was gently forcing this person into the club. He eventually succeeded as a beautiful brunette stumbled into the club, almost toppling from her black high heels.   
  
"Who's that girl with him?" Willow blurted with annoyance clear in her voice.   
  
Tara eyed her critically, annoyed herself. Willow's fascination with Spike was funny and cute when this all started, but now it was getting too much.   
  
Tara did not like discovering that she did not handle jealousy all that well. She hoped that whoever it was that Spike had found a sudden interest in would serve to refocus Willow’s attention where it belonged, on her girlfriend. Tara looked over at this new addition, trying to see if the woman was up to the task. She was happy to find her quite attractive in her own right standing awkwardly next to Spike, her curves not masked by a smart skirt.  _A skirt that seemed familiar_. Tara tilted her head. It was very similar to the skirt she had personally picked out for Xander in the mall the other night.   
  
 _Xander_ 's skirt.   
  
"Is that…?" Tara started.   
  
"No way," Buffy exclaimed.   
  
"Xander?" Dawn gasped in awe. Spike was  _totally_ doing her makeup and hair for prom.   
  
Xander's silky hair was made up into smooth clean curls and his face was carefully colored, dark kohl, accentuating his brilliant eyes. With the well fitted knee-high black skirt, his top was a meshed hazel material with very little detail that complemented his full breasts without being blatant.   
  
"Whoa, Xander is hot!" Everyone turned shocked eyes at Buffy's exclamation. She looked at them. "What? You're all thinking it."   
  
Walking up to the girls, Spike looked proud while Xander fussed with his skirt, top and hair. His hands couldn’t settle.   
  
“Wow, Spike! Where did you learn to do that?” Dawn jumped next to Spike and pointed a professional eye at the detailed makeup Xander had on.   
  
Xander fidgeted under her gaze, blushing. “Stop it.” His hand clenched around the hem of his shirt.   
  
Spike smacked at it. “Hands off my masterpiece.” He turned with a loud sigh towards the girls, ignoring Xander’s glare. “It was all I could do to stop him from messing his eyes.”   
  
“He looks pretty,” Willow said. Tara noticed her pout with displeasure. “How did you get Xander to sit still enough to do that?”   
  
Buffy couldn’t look away from the gorgeous shoes. “More important question, how did he let you…” She didn’t finish her question as she interrupted herself by saying she swore she saw the same shoes a week ago and was this close to buying them.   
  
Spike opened his mouth to explain, but Xander’s growl stopped him. He snorted. “Well, let’s just say that’d be the last time Harris makes a bet with yours truly.”   
  
“Got that right.” Xander crossed his arms, finally free from Dawn’s scrutiny. “Now, someone direct me to the nearest alcoholic item.”   
  
“Don’t you forget the other part of the deal.” Spike shook his finger. “You cannot compromise yourself with booze.”   
  
“C’mon!”   
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one who called for a side bet.”   
  
“That’s when I knew I was going to win,” Xander said with a whine in his tone.   
  
Shaking his head in disappointment, Spike stated aghast, “And here I was all-giving with primping you for your big coming-out bash, trying to even out the odds.”   
  
Buffy’s eyes widened, catching on quickly. "You're gonna seduce men and see which one attracts the biggest number of suitors?"   
  
"No," Xander cried out, taken aback at how fast Buffy’s mind jumped to that conclusion. He looked at Spike. Eyes pleading,  _not tonight_ – not in front of his friends. "Right?"   
  
"Not men this time." Spike's smirk increased. "Women."   
  
"This time?" Tara repeated his words with a whisper.   
  
"You're gonna seduce women!" Willow exclaimed with a blush.   
  
Dawn rolled her eyes at her. "Spike one. Xander zilch."   
  
"No," Spike said. "Dancing contest. Each one grabs a partner and we'll see which one is more erotic." Suddenly, he twirled Buffy to his side. He titled his head towards her amused face, and asked dramatically, "This is your mission, shall you choose to accept it?"   
  
“Why not.” Buffy shrugged, pushing down the impulsive need to giggle.   
  
“Buffy!” Xander gaped. When all he got were guiles eyes from the two blondes, he grabbed the closest arm to him, holding Spike’s blue eyes with a glare. "We're gonna kick your asses. C'mon, Willow." He led her to the dance floor, his determined eyes not leaving Spike's. Positioning Willow before him, he blinked when he finally realized his willing partner wasn't Willow.   
  
Dawn squealed, restraining herself from jumping up and down. "You chose me!"   
  
"What? I…" Xander started, wide-eyed.   
  
She clutched at his arms with resolve. "We'll totally win this. Buffy only has two moves."   
  
“This will be fun,” Tara said to Willow, masking her pleased smile. She pulled her girlfriend to a recently vacant table close to the dance floor. “We’ll have a good view from here.”   
  
Willow nodded, sitting down. “Oh, look, Spike is giving the band his song request.”   
  
Tara crossed her arms. “They sure seem happy to say yes.” They couldn’t hear the conversation, but the enthusiastic looks on the band members’ faces told them enough.   
  
Soon enough, Tara realized that the band had consciously chosen to sing badly earlier because whatever song it was that Spike asked, they were in tune. She actually felt her own limbs start to move with the modern beat.   
  
Spike and Xander had predictably chosen to play the male role in the dance routine, starting with a hand on the lower part of their partner’s back. It was quickly decided that Spike’s choice of pants against Xander’s skirt was a big advantage. Xander obviously realized that when he glared half the way at Spike because Dawn affirmed her status as the leader and starting twisting Xander left and right with him helplessly following.   
  
Buffy and Spike did not face such problems, in tune with their movements as if they had been dancing forever. They switched back and forth between leading and following that had quickly drawn an audience around the tantalizing couple.   
  
Tara felt her own breath quicken as she couldn’t help but imagine them in scripted battle.   
  
It wasn’t long before the viewers nodding their heads to the music got drawn into the dance floor themselves and made an effort to keep up with the duo, forgetting all about the couple of brunettes struggling to get in sync.   
  
“Dawn is actually really good. But, Xander is this close to tearing that skirt.” Tara grinned, engrossed in the dancing contest. She turned to the seat next to her. "Hey, Will, how about we…?" she trailed off when she found that Willow was no where near her.   
  
Her eyes searched for her through the mass of people before she caught her walking towards Buffy and Spike.   
  
Spike had just dipped Buffy who arched her back so far her hair touched the ground.   
  
Willow poked Spike's shoulder, making him raise his head as he pulled Buffy up. She smiled shyly at him. "Can anyone cut in?"   
  
Spike glanced at Buffy before turning his gaze to Willow. "Why cut in? Three is a pretty round number,” he said with a leer.   
  
Willow beamed. Buffy only shrugged, commenting on how Spike was still a pig in female clothing.   
  
Tara sat in her seat, watching her girlfriend swaying her body against Spike's. Before long, Tara's expression dissolved into a fierce look foreign to her gentle features.   
  
She'd had  _enough_. 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

 

 

Xander stared at all the movie choices Dawn presented to him in the Summers’ living room. Their vidfest was nothing but junk starring the twins from Full House. He glanced at Dawn’s devilish smirk. “Is there a city they haven’t been to?” He shook his head. “There’s no way I’m watching any of these.”  
  
Dawn picked up a tape with a picture of the Olsen twins in soccer uniforms. “How about this one? It’s oozing macho.”   
  
“Why should those movies be macho? It’s not like there are men in this sleepover.” Willow grinned when Xander glared at her.   
  
“She’s right,” Dawn said. “Since Giles isn’t coming, it’s chick-flick all night long.”  
  
“These are not chick-flicks, they’re down right S&Cs!” Xander complained, a shudder escaped him at the thought of being forced to sit two hours for some silly Disney-like flick. He wouldn’t have minded a Disney animation movie, but Dawn knew he liked those. Who knew balls of energy were spawns of the devil?  
  
Dawn laughed. “Did you just make a reference from one of the Olsen twins’ movies?”  
  
“And I blame you for that!” He waggled a finger in her face and then settled on the floor and crossed his arms with a huff. “I hate you, Giles.”   
  
“You’ve no one but yourself to blame,” Willow reproached gently. “You and Spike teased poor Giles to the point of…”  
  
“Ejaculation,” Dawn finished with a snicker.   
  
“Dawn!!” Xander and Willow exclaimed in shock and horror.   
  
She shrunk. “Sorry. This is what hanging out with Anya does to a person, and now that I think about it… ewww.”   
  
The way Dawn dropped Anya’s name like that put a downer on Xander’s already deflating spirits. He wondered if he would ever see her again, if she’d give him a second chance. He should just face the harsh truth, he would never be given a second chance – Cordelia never gave him one and neither would Anya. He wasn’t sure he deserved a second chance to begin with.   
  
He stared down at his breasts and a darker thought clouded his brain. What would he do if Giles never found a way to break the curse? He would lose his job, his apartment, his _identity_. Everything he had built up for himself in the last couple of years would go whoosh. That thought scared the living crap out of him.   
  
“Speaking of Spike,” Dawn said with a nervous chuckle in an attempt to change the topic of Giles being aroused by female Xander and Spike. “He and Buffy are sure taking their time in the kitchen.”   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Buffy fished out some refreshments from the fridge and then stared at Spike standing before the microwave. He had pulled up his wavy blonde hair into a sloppy bun and was wearing a cute loose shirt that showed one perfect smooth shoulder. Buffy couldn’t help feel envious at the way Spike’s comfy yet stylish indoors outfit complimented his new feminine body. She never realized he had an eye for style. Every outfit he’d picked up from Wal-Mart no less looked effortlessly trendy.   
  
She sighed, wishing she could carry off cheap outfits with the same air of superiority. She placed the soda cans next to the bowls of dip, grimacing at the only bowl of blood dip among the rest. “So, how’s being part of the opposite gender working out for ya?” Small talk with Spike. That never led to anything good.   
  
“Not bad.” He started to pour the popcorn into a bowl. “It sure has its advantages.”  
  
She brought a tray to carry all the bowls to the living room. “Well, you are easy on the eyes in your new bod.”  
  
Spike gave her a knowing look. “You don’t say.”  
  
She rolled her eyes. “I was so not coming on to you.”  
  
“Who said you were?” His smirk was extra annoying with lips covered in lipstick.   
  
“You with the evil implying and the eyebrow wiggling.” She slapped his exposed shoulder when he wiggled his eyebrows again. “Stop it.”  
  
“C’mon, you know you still want me.”  
  
She was about to protest when a thought popped into her head. She smiled seductively at him. “You got me, hot stuff. You still turn me on. Can’t help but think about kissing the hell outta you.” She winked after she delivered the lamest pick up line she could think of.   
  
Spike tilted his head. “What do you want?”  
  
“Every clothing item you bought. Once you stop needing them of course.”  
  
Spike crossed his arms and shook his head. “Sorry, pet. I promised them to Little Sis.”   
  
She raised an eyebrow. “Then no lesbian kissage.”   
  
He cringed when she pursed her lips together and blew him a kiss and then wanted to clobber himself because her daft peacock trifling was working on him. He helplessly shrugged. “Well, she’s too young to wear them anyway.”  
  
Buffy grabbed him by the shoulders and covered her mouth with his in a familiar yet foreign bruising kiss. For one thing, she never tasted strawberry flavored lipstick on his lips before, also those lips were smaller and somehow fuller. He was shorter as well, Buffy thought as she ran her hands over the back of his exposed neck and his messy bun.   
  
Spike responded right away, passionately sucking her tongue the way she always liked it. She moaned, feeling his breasts crushing against hers. For a moment of curiosity, she lowered her hand from the back of his neck to lay on a braless boob. She pulled her hand away instantly when she felt his hardened nipple through the fabric of his shirt.   
  
Spike grunted into her mouth, grabbed her hand and placed it on his boob again. She squeezed the nipple under her palm and pinched it with her fingers. Spike groaned and did the same with her own nipple that pebbled and stood up against the thin material of her bra.   
  
“My eyes!” a horrified scream broke off their kiss. Buffy and Spike panted as they stared at Xander in the doorway, looking like he was ripping his eyes out of their sockets with the heels of his hands. “My innocent woman eyes!”  
  
Willow and Dawn stood beside him at once, eyes wide with shock as they caught the smeared lipstick on Spike’s chin.   
  
Dawn directed her angry eyes at her sister. “If you put sloppy drool on my future clothes…”  
  
“Sorry, Dawn.” Buffy gave a smug smile. “They’re mine now.”  
  
Dawn switched to glaring at Spike. “But you said…”  
  
“Changed my mind, Niblet.” He wiped the lipstick off his chin and grinned at Buffy.  
  
“That’s not fair!” Dawn’s shriek put holes in their eardrums.   
  
Xander patted her back. “It’s okay, Dawnster, you can have my clothes.”  
  
She looked him up and down then glared back at Spike and Buffy. “That’s not fair! I could kiss Spike, too!”   
  
“No, you won’t,” Buffy quickly objected. Suddenly she noticed Willow leaving the kitchen with a gloomy face. Buffy’s heart dropped and she raced out after her.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Spike’s mind was too wrapped up in the passionate kiss he’d just had with Buffy. She’d made it clear they were over on that humiliating night with Soldier Boy that he never expected to feel her lips on his again. He snapped out of his thoughts suddenly to notice that everybody had left the kitchen except for a certain dark-haired woman.   
  
Xander was staring at the floor looking worse for wear. The boy was most likely upset about the kiss. Spike expected a punch or a tongue lashing, instead Harris chose to pull an Angel on him.   
  
He wasn’t in the mood for a jealous fit, especially from Whiny Harris. He moved towards the tray Buffy had placed on the kitchen table and began to arrange the bowls on it.   
  
“Spike, what if we never switch back?”  
  
He looked over his shoulder at a pair of genuinely scared hazel eyes. His grimace softened slightly. “It’s only been a week, Harris.”  
  
“Weird stuff like this usually gets solved in a day,” Xander argued. “This is a new record.”   
  
“Not that new. Chip in my head?” Spike reminded. “Three years and counting.”  
  
Xander started to pace around, arms flailing in panic. “My honeymoon vacation will be over soon. I can’t show up to work like this! Do you have any idea how horrifying it is? I’m not Xander anymore! I’m a nameless chick with no identification! How the hell am I going to live my life now?”  
  
Spike grabbed the hysterical chit by the shoulders and willed him to calm down. “You do as I did, start from scratch.” Xander didn’t look convinced. “You’re still young. It’s not too late.”  
  
“You don’t get it. All my life I was nothing but a loser, a screw up, good for nothing Harris. At work, everybody looked up to me. I had their respect. I got one promotion after the other because I was good,” his voice cracked a bit, so he drew in a deep breath to pull himself together. “You should have seen how the crew treated Buffy when she showed up at the site… they won’t…”  
  
Xander couldn’t keep the tears from sliding down his flushed cheeks. He instantly covered his face with his hands and let out deep shuddered breaths, desperately trying to compose himself.  
  
Spike took a step back and awkwardly tucked a stray blonde curl behind his ear. He’d never seen Harris break down before. Not even when Buffy died – now that Spike thought about it, the lad had been too eager to rush Anya to the hospital. Spike didn’t remember seeing him grieve the way Dawn, Willow and the watcher did on that dreadful day.   
  
Xander swept his sleeve against his eyes. “Shit, I don’t usually leak in front of others.”  
  
“Nothing wrong with that.” Spike never saw shame in shedding a tear and public display of emotions. Connecting with his vulnerability made him stronger, unlike Harris who seemed to bottle those emotions inside until they explode in a fit of anger. But then Spike never had a father who beat it out of his system and demanded he’d ‘man-up.’  
  
“Yeah, you’re a crybaby.”   
  
Spike let him have this one as Xander’s concerns about their situation becoming permanent started to trouble him as well.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
“Willow!” Buffy grabbed her friend’s arm, fear drumming inside her head. She knew if her friends found out about her and Spike, they’d go ballistic. She never thought it would be supportive Willow.   
  
Willow spun around in anger. “I’ve been declaring ‘Gay now’ for two years. What else should I do? Shout it from mountaintops?”   
  
“Huh?” Buffy blinked in confusion.   
  
“If Spike wanted to experiment, wouldn’t it be more convenient to do it with the already lesbian?” Willow pointed at herself with both thumbs, look as serious as Giles on any research session.   
  
Buffy looked at her resolved green eyes closely. An incredulous laugh rumbled through her chest. “Are you jealous?”  
  
Willow lifted a dignified chin. “I’m the resident gay here. Spike should be kissing me.”  
  
Buffy stared at her in amusement. “I didn’t know you felt that way about Spike.”  
  
“I don’t feel anything about Spike.” Willow shrugged. “And neither do you. It’s just physical.”  
  
Buffy hesitated. “Right.”  
  
Willow noticed right away. “It is just physical, right?”  
  
“Of course,” Buffy said too quickly, which made Willow extra suspicious.   
  
“Buffy, are you trying to tell me something?” She stared right into Buffy’s nervous eyes. “Are you having more than physical feelings for Spike?”   
  
“No, of course not.”  
  
Willow’s face fell in disappointment. “You know you can tell me anything, Buffy.”  
  
“Like instead of being hung up on Spike, you should pay more attention to Tara?” Buffy attacked with a subject change.   
  
Willow’s eyes widened. “Who says I’m not paying attention to Tara?”  
  
“Then why isn’t she here tonight?” Buffy crossed her arms with a challenging look on her face.   
  
“I invited her. She couldn’t make it,” Willow answered defensively. “Besides, Tara is cool. She doesn’t care that I’m attracted to Femme Spike.”  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Giles’ peaceful night at the Magic Box was interrupted with a phone call. “I swear to God if it’s you Spike, you’ll find out first hand why they called me Ripper!” he barked into the phone.   
  
“Not Spike,” Tara’s voice drifted into his ears. “But I need your help to put an end to the femme madness.”   
  
“I’m all ears.” Giles was never as eager in his life.


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

 

Two figures met under the cloak of darkness, their conversation no louder than a whisper.

"I got your message."

"Good. Do you have all the supplies?"

"Yes." A black duffel bag was raised. "Are you sure it's gonna work?"

"It's all we have."

"Okay. What's the plan?"

"Tomorrow we all meet at the Magic Box and we'll be rid of this whole nonsense once and for all."

Giles and Tara exchanged a nod of agreement. They had been working on this for two days straight – their goals if not their reasoning fueling them.

Soon, if all went according to plan, they would bid goodbye to the new frustrating incarnations of Spike and Xander.

 

 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

 

 

Xander's eyes were on the verge of snapping out of their sockets. Giles didn't just say…

He pinched his cheek. _Ouch_.

Giles was grinning like a victorious loon, and Xander couldn't believe what he had just heard.

It had been a little over a week, a long nightmarish week – excluding those 'Fun with Giles' moments - since he and Spike had flipped the gender switch, and Xander had started to lose hope. He was close to the 'acceptance' part of grief- not much with the accepting part as halfheartedly trying to fake it as well as Spike had been doing. Now after all that had happened, Giles casually joked with that cheshire grin about finding a cure.

Cruel much?

Although, Xander reflected, he and Spike might have had it coming with the sheer shirts they had worn the other day with the words 'want some?' inscribed on just the right spot. Giles' glasses seemed to be eternally steamed. When Xander's idea to torment Giles had worked, he had received a rare impressed look from Spike. Xander was proud to have thought that all on his own - it had nothing to do with finding the pair in the laundry.

Out of the blue, many fingers pinched his cheeks. "Ouch!" Xander yelped, palms clasping the abused skin protectively, his legs stepping backwards in reflex.

"You were so out of it, we thought you needed help," Buffy said, giving an 'innocent' smile.

Rather than call her out on her fake expression, Xander was too busy scowling at a smirking Spike whose fingers had pinched a different cheek.

"That's not fair. We only had one slumber party." Dawn crossed her arms, her lower lip sticking up in displeasure. They weren't even through half the Mary-Kate and Ashley movies, she wasn't done tormenting them.

"Which Buffy and Spike had conveniently missed," Xander stated, narrowing his eyes at an unfazed Spike and a flustered Buffy.

"Heh. What do you mean? We were with you… in the house…" Buffy stuttered.

Xander continued for her, "In your room with your tongue inside his mouth."

“Again?” Dawn scrunched her nose. There went her crush on Spike, kind of.

Xander's initial shock upon walking in on Buffy and Spike going at it like French bunnies in the kitchen had grown into anger and a deep sense of betrayal when he had caught them again in Buffy's bedroom. There was no denying that Spike was super sexy hot as a female, but to have the power to turn Buffy into a lesbian, much less make out with the vampire she so-called loathed the most, was mind-boggling. She hadn’t even shown the least bit interest in his devilishly male vampire charms for the past two years.

Giles shot Buffy a wide-eyed look. Buffy’s only response was a helpless smile.

One week and Spike had already managed to attract all of them, Xander thought – Dawn was an exception of course. Giles, on the other hand, was constantly struggling to keep his eyes as far away from Spike in fear of acting un-British. Willow was very close to having another break up with Tara. And last but never least, Buffy came out – more or less - as a one-vampire lesbian, and Xander was this close to kicking in the closet himself.

Breaking out of train of thought, Xander caught a blush creep onto Buffy's cheeks just as Willow glared at her downcast face.

Spike's nonchalant look was completed by a cigarette and a lighter.

Dawn snatched them away, reminding him about flammable oils and a stake wielding Buffy. “Just ‘cause you macked on each other doesn’t mean she won’t Slayer you.”

“It’s true.” Buffy nodded.

Xander was so ticked that he turned his gaze to the less annoying British man. "Giles, isn't there a spell that can make Buffy less horny around vampires?"

"I support that." Willow raised her hand.

Buffy rolled her eyes at her friends. "Grow up, guys."

When Willow and Xander ignored her in favor of discussing the specifics of an anti-vampire-cooties spell for Buffy, she turned to Giles for support. "Giles…" Buffy whined.

Giles had been busy, his face buried in a book. He raised his head when Buffy called him, causing the Witchcraft book to come into view with the subtitle De-Lusting.

"Giles!"

The door bell to the Magic Box announced Tara's arrival and saved Buffy from killing all her friends.

"Sorry I was late," Tara said, quickly handing Giles something. "We forgot one item."

"Oh, dear. Thank you, Tara. This wouldn’t have worked otherwise."

Willow looked from Tara to Giles and then back to Tara. "What's going on?" she asked, suspicious.

"It's for the good of all, Willow," Tara said with resolve.

"Something serious is going to happen, isn't it?" Buffy asked. "I'm getting the serious-thing vibe here!"

Giles and Tara paid no attention to Buffy and Willow, busy instructing Xander and Spike to stand in particular spots in a recently cleared area. Dawn was requested to put the 'Closed' sign on the door.

Not wasting anytime after setting up, Giles threw some herbs and powders into a smoldering golden goblet. He started the chant a second too late to hear Tara’s faint question about if it were a good idea for _him_ to be the one doing the spell.

“Oh, Anyanka. I beseech thee in the name of all women scorned…” he chanted, adding more herbs to the boiling liquid.

Before Xander could gasp Anya's name, she appeared before them in her demon form.

"Okay, first thing, you are a guy.” Anya crossed her arms, glowering at Giles. “How can you speak for all women scorned? Two: I am not stupid to have my powers in an amulet and wear it in plain sight, this time."

Buffy noticed the dual winces on Giles and Tara’s faces. “This time?” she asked Anya with a frown.

“Yeah, it sure took me a while to get my human head around it – the memories from the other Anyanka took a wallop when they finally hit, but I still remember. So don’t think about it, Giles. My power source is nowhere on me,” Anya said very pleased.

“Oh, and where might it be then?” Spike asked probingly from his spot next to a gaping Xander.

“It’s…” Anya stopped with a gasp and narrowed her eyes at Spike. “Aha! Feminine power of manipulation, Spike. You are trying to trick me – not gonna work.”

“Okay, how about this?” Spike shrugged. “I take it back.”

Anya blinked. “What?”

“I take back my wish.” He pointed at Xander’s crotch. “Put Pinocchio back together again.”

Over the shock from seeing Anya like this, Xander corrected, "That's supposed to be Humpty Dumpty." Frowning, he continued, “Although that is a moot analogy too.”

Spike nodded in agreement and the two snickered.

“You can’t do that!” Anya screeched at the two.

“Really? I’m woman scorned, luv.” He emphasized that with cupping his breasts – making several gazes lose focus for a moment. “We tend to be very moody. Give Harris back his nads. Not that he ever used them.”

“Dude, that’s cold. We had a moment there.”

“Balance is important in our relationship,” Spike reminded him.

Xander sighed in defeat while Anya watched on incredulously.

“Besides, you’re stuck.” Buffy crossed her arms. She had caught up quickly to the ‘plan’.

Anya finally tore her gaze from the transformed duo who had begun discussing the rules to some on going ‘game’. It didn’t take her long to figure out what Buffy meant, taking notice of the star that she was in. 

Anya growled, unable to move from her designated area. “I can't let you do that.”

“Actually, you can. You must,” Tara corrected, speaking up from the other side of the pentagram. She held up a book. “It says so in the rules.”

Willow looked at her girlfriend in awe.

“There’s a vengeance rule book?” Xander questioned, incredulous. “I should read more.”

Anya glowered. “Fine!”

With no more than an eye roll from the vengeance demon, Xander felt himself getting taller and bigger, except for the breasts that sunk into his chest, leaving it flat – manly. Unfortunately, with all the preparation and lead up, no one thought to have Xander change clothes. Spike’s wolf-whistle and snickers were justified.

Xander ignored the exposed belly busy wincing as he tried to tug out the panties that had shrunken into an uncomfortable area.

“So much for that shirt,” Buffy said mournfully, gazing at the stretched shirt and bit her lip noting at the torn seams. “No way can I borrow it now.”

“You can have ‘em all!” Xander said in a rush to the back room to rummage for some change of clothes.

"Now it’s my turn," Spike said, crossing his arms under his breasts, internally glad that he would no longer be bothered by them – delightful to look at and utilize in tormenting others as they might have been.

"Can’t," Anya said with a wave of her hand.

“Fine,” Spike scoffed, not in the mood for Anya's stalling. "We’ll go about it the hard way. Just tell me where Harm is and I’ll persuade her in my own way."

“You’ll torture her?” Dawn asked, not horrified just curious.

“Too much effort. All I have to do is remind her of how much she likes her sexy man meat.”

Dawn’s giggles were cut short when Buffy jabbed her in the side and graced Spike with a fierce stare. Though, she quickly looked away when he mouthed ‘you too’.

Spike turned his attention back to Anya. “So, where is she? You keep track of your clients.”

Anya had on a smile that Spike didn't like. "Harmony is in no condition reclaim her wish."

"What? Someone finally tore out that bothersome tongue of hers?” Spike chuckled. “Not to worry, it’ll grow back in a month."

“Oh, dear heavens,” Giles groaned, imagining a whole month with Spike in that body.

“What’ll grow back in a month?” Xander asked, coming back with a rumpled looking shirt and work pants.

“Harmony’s tongue,” Dawn explained.

"Nope." Anya shook her head.

Finally, it downed on Buffy. "Anya, are you saying that Harmony’s dead?"

"Dead-er." She shrugged.

"H-how?" Willow was more shocked than anyone to hear the sadness in he own voice.

"A tree fell on her."

"Huh?"

"Wha?"

"You’re kidding?"

"Nope."

"She was snuffed by a blasted tree?"

"Kinda. She got stuck. The branches entangled with her shirt and by the time she freed herself –amazingly saving her shirt- it was morning, and well," Anya stopped letting them finish the sentence themselves. “Poof!”

"Wha…?" Buffy gulped. "What was the shirt?"

"Marc Jacobs."

"Oh, God, that’s horrible!"

"Bloody hell, shut your fucking yaps!" Spike snapped, his situation reaching an unbearable point.

"Really, Spike. No way for a lady to talk," Xander tisked. He jumped back at Spike’s scathing glare.

"Change me back, hell bitch." Spike stalked towards Anya, short from breaking her seal.

Anya shrugged. "No can do, Spike. You know the rule book states, only the wisher can reverse it."

"You can," he pointed out sharply, eyes burning.

"And risk D'hoffryn taking away my powers?" Anya placed a hand to her chest. “Impossible. Guess you’ll have to get used to looking pretty.”

"I’ll kill you!" Spike growled and jumped at her, his face morphing into its vampire features, shocking them all. Willow’s warning yell didn’t stop him from inadvertently breaking the binding star.

Not wasting a second, with an exaggerated flourish – Halfrek must be giving her lessons – Anya disappeared.

Spike turned his glowing eyes at Giles, his long hair falling over his face muddled with fury. “Call her back!”

Giles shook his head and took his glasses off before replacing them on. “I’m sorry, Spike. It’s fruitless. She will not come.”

Spike hissed and kicked the goblet on the ground so hard it shattered into many little pieces. Ignoring the others who were trying to calm him down, he stormed out of the magic store, denting the door on his way out did not help ease his rage.


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

 

“Are you sure there isn’t another way?” Buffy asked Giles after a long moment of silence upon Spike’s distraught departure.  
   
Giles adjusted his glasses with a sigh. “I’m afraid not. A vengeance demon’s spell can only be broken by destroying her power center.”  
   
“Or have Harmony take back the wish,” Tara added.  
   
“A moot solution now on account of her being dust,” Dawn said, feeling really troubled for Spike. She hadn’t seen him this upset before. He’d always been cool and poised.  
   
“Can’t we track Anya’s power center with a locator spell?” Willow startled when her eyes landed on Tara. “Which you’ll do! I won’t! No spells for this woman.”  
   
Tara gave her a reassuring pat on the arm. Her girlfriend was just trying to help.  
   
“I should talk to him,” Buffy said decisively, already heading for the door.  
   
“Buff.”  
   
She turned around to gaze at the now male Xander, who appeared uncharacteristically serious.  
   
“I don’t think pity is what Spike needs right now.”  
   
“I’m not gonna pity him,” she retorted defensively.    
   
“Look, I’ve gotten close to the guy. I know how he operates. Let me talk to him.” He looked between the doubtful faces. “What Spike needs right now is humiliation.”  
   
Everybody gaped.  
   
Buffy nodded slowly. “Right. No, I’m going.”  
   
Xander seized her arm.  “Buffy, I know what I’m doing. Spike won’t take your sympathy well. He needs to be helped on his terms.”  
   
She shook her head. “I don’t know, Xander.”  
   
“Trust me.” Xander appeared sincere enough that Buffy relented. She knew Spike, too. He wouldn’t respond well to coddling. After all, they both get off on rough foreplay.

 

 

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

 

 

Grey smoke danced up uninterrupted in the silence, barely visible in the dim light of the crypt. Bare footed, Spike sat with one leg stretched on the floor while the other was bent up bracing his elbow - the cold stone wall against his back. Two fingers, V shaped, held the cigarette in place as the tip glowed brighter with each dragging breath. Through the mass of long uncombed hair, Spike stared at a dusty blue vase on top of his television. It mocked the rugged surrounding, showing off a veiled feminine elegance with its unique design despite the small crack on top. It appeared out of place in his dark, filthy, messy,  _manly_  domicile.   
    
He never noticed it before.   
    
Grabbing the nearest discarded beer bottle, Spike hurled it at the boastful vase. The sound of it breaking on the solid ground into countless little pieces did little to appease him, as the echo of it in his ear was reminiscent of derisive giggles a clan of cerulean fae had bore into his ears for a fortnight when he had fallen prey to their web many years ago.   
    
He growled at the memory of yet another time he was weak - helpless. However, then, he had found a way to break free – no thanks to a fickle Drusilla. His skin was in tatters when it was over, but he was no longer ‘pretty to keep’.    
    
Not now though. He emptied his drink without tasting it, tossing his cigarette in the bottle. He got up and staggered towards the split clay. The phantom laughter clouded his mind as he stomped on the shattered pieces, intent on crushing them to dust.   
    
The pain in his foot was a solace to his crazed mind as it broke him out of his momentary trip down a path filled with impious diminutive wooden creatures.   
    
“Hell’s frozen.” He grabbed at his long hair with aggravation, an act he had found himself unconsciously doing more and more. “How the mighty wolf had fallen.” He limberly raised his leg to his face and plucked out the prickly bits of broken vase out of his foot. He uncaringly lowered his bleeding foot to the ground and headed towards his chair, flopping down with a deep sigh. He pulled out a cigarette from the cushions and stared at it. Snorting somberly, he mumbled, “Better watch it, or soon enough I’d find myself brooding and wishing I had a heartbeat.”   
    
Lighting up the bud and taking a long drag, he let his arm hang over the chair’s arm, ashes falling to the ground while he lost himself once more in contemplation.     
    
He stared sightlessly at the broken glass, slowly blowing out a cloud of smoke. He had nearly lost it just now - like a feeble mortal. He had to get a grip and think about his situation rationally.   
    
Things couldn't get worse. He was already wallowing in the dank and reeking bottom, there was no more down he could get.   
    
"There you are," Xander's wise-cracking voice sounded from the door.   
    
_Tempting fate, slick_ . Spike growled inwardly before putting on a bored expression and turning to Xander, forcing himself to relax into the chair. "What?" The cigarette bobbed in his mouth as he checked out the intruder.   
    
Xander looked different, and it wasn't about him being all hairy again. Spike was hard-pressed to even think it, but Xander looked better than he was before fate had decided to put a pathetic chipped vampire in the middle of a domestic squabble.   
    
Xander’s hair was neatly gelled, reminiscent of another look that irked Spike. His face was smoothly shaven and he wore well-fitting black slacks and a red shirt completed with a black jacket.   
    
Was this a brand-new Xander Harris or did the git pull out the fashion fairy for the sole purpose of annoying him? Spike angrily bit on his cigarette, cracking the stem before spitting it out onto the floor.   
    
"Was that a scream I heard?" Xander asked, letting himself in.   
    
Spike imagined that a vase breaking could sound very different if heard from outside the crypt. He frowned. “Bugger off.”   
    
Xander walked towards Spike – ignoring the unwelcome air and swinging a bag over his shoulder. "Was it a roach? Want me to step on it?" He shook his big sneaker in Spike's face.   
    
Spike narrowed his eyes. On autopilot, he pulled out a fresh cigarette and fiddled with it before placing it in his mouth and lightening it up.   
    
He needed to buy a new pack.   
    
Xander made a show of looking around. "Was it a nasty rat? Not to worry. No mouse is mightier than  _the_  man." Hands closed in fists, Xander placed them on his side, showing off his big macho body.   
    
Weak as his act was, Spike didn’t put it past Xander to be getting back at him for all the insults and jokes, despite having been personally responsible for his grief. Spike felt suppressed anger bubble in his chest and calculated how much he could harm the insipid human before the chip fried him completely. He hissed, "Are you rat-arsed or just your regular ‘I damn forgot my brain in my other suit’ nutter?"   
    
“I’m all here, baby!” Xander responded with hearty confidence.   
    
Spike got up, flicked his cigarette at Xander and watched him jump out of the way before putting it off with his huge manly shoe. Infuriatingly, Xander grinned up at him.    
    
Maybe Spike could burn him as he slept.   
    
Flinging his hair backwards with a quick raise of his head, Spike crossed his arms and frowned at the smug jerk. "Why are you here?" Spike sniffed at the air. “And why do you smell like a male escort?”   
    
“Putting  _that_  TMI in ‘the box’ and-” Xander shook off his nervous expression then adjusted his collar. "There, all better.” He plastered that annoying smile on his face once more. “I wanna celebrate my big 'he's male again' victory out in the town."   
    
Spike's jaw tightened, guessing where Xander’s mouth was running at. "No one’s home, call again - never."   
    
Xander mock-pouted. "Can't go without a date."   
    
He held up the bag and tossed it at Spike. Instinctively, Spike caught it and looked in inside to find what looked like a simple little black dress and matching high heels. The rumbling thoughts in his head were interrupted by an order.   
    
"Fix yourself up," Xander said as he leaned against the wall, muscled arms crossing over his wide chest.   
    
Spike blinked livid eyes at the idiot in front of him. Fire was a painful and serving way to die. He hissed a dangerous, "Why you…"   
    
"Oh, and don’t worry." Xander beamed. "I stole Buffy's make up. I know you like her collection better than Willow 's." He pointed at the bag. His exhausted grin dissolved into a critical grimace. "But, dude, that hair--” He tisked. “Good thing I tossed in a comb."   
    
"Look, you sodding…"   
    
"Right.” Xander smacked a hand to his forehead. “What was I thinking?" Xander turned around, giving Spike his back. "As a true gentleman I wouldn't peek." Throwing a lopsided grin over his shoulder, he added, "Much."   
    
Spike was tempted to burn the women wear with his lighter, but that would give Xander the satisfaction and might point a finger at Spike when Xander’s charred corpse was discovered. After all, who would suspect a distressing helpless chit?   
    
Xander started to whistle.   
    
An idea sparkled in Spike head. He felt a sneer build as his eyes bore into Xander's back.   
    
Who said that he just had to stand there and take Xander’s crap? Spike could dish it out like the best of them. He was the best of them! No one knew how to better invest what they had than William the Bloody.   
    
Spike looked down at the weapons he held. And unashamedly started to undress, Xander would regret his venture into Spike’s world.    
 

  
 

  
    
*~*~*~*~*   
    
 

 

  
    
Xander released a big happy sigh, exiting the toilet. The bless of being a man was appreciated with even the little things.   
    
This was the third time he went into the restrooms to collect himself. He knew what he attempted tonight was really delicate and tempting a homicidal killer, but he had made a decision and had came prepared. He recalled when he first looked at himself in the mirror earlier that night.      
    
_“Buffy! Do you really have to go_  that _far?”_   
    
_“Now, now, Xander, this was_ _your idea. Stop. Don’t touch the hair!”_   
    
Xander’s hand convulsed, wondering where all the cool he had was disappearing to. It was his idea after all.      
    
His grand confidence had first started to waver the second he had heard Spike’s clothes fall to the ground - Xander couldn’t believe that Spike didn’t catch up to how his heart was racing when he said those scathing comments. Or how Spike hadn’t felt Xander’s whole being shake when he wrapped two pale, smooth arms around him from behind, whispering in his ear ‘I’m ready.'   
    
Spike sure did wonders with what little he had to work with. The dress was a size too small and more than accentuated that well-formed petite feminine body. Others would call how Xander looked at Spike smitten, Xander would rebut that it was nothing more than shock at how he wasn’t dead yet.     
    
Xander had to excuse himself twice tonight to ‘go check on his little buddy’ because Spike didn’t stop shamelessly flirting with Xander and every other guy who passed by - the third visit to the toilets didn’t count because Xander really needed to pee.   
    
He heaved a sigh. Spike was pulling no punches, and while Xander had counted on that, it sure messed up his reflexes good.   
    
Standing at the other side of the club, he watched on as every man and some women did a double take at the sad blonde with the smoky eyes sitting at the bar. Xander felt something twitch in his chest.    
    
He walked to the bar, passing a gaggle of giggling women on a table littered with an assortment of colored drinks - bachelorette party. They eyed him with interest and whispered among each other. Xander flashed a charming smile that did its job and all the women squealed. Note to self: thank Buffy later. She had meticulously gone through his closet to pick this outfit for him. He wasn’t all that sure about the large garbage bag filled with clothes she had confiscated though.   
    
In an effort to ignore how Spike was conveniently teasing some guy with an olive now that Xander was nearby, Xander spotted a redhead at the bar. She was sitting by herself, barely masking the envy in her eyes as she stared at the giddy striking women. With straight short hair, face filled with freckles, lipstick that didn’t match her completion and a large blouse that didn't go with her long skirt Xander understood why.   
    
Something in Xander urged him to approach the girl.   
    
"Hi."   
    
The girl didn't look up, eyes still on the bachelorette table.   
    
Xander tried again. "Uhm… excuse me?"   
    
She finally looked up, and Xander noticed that she had handsome features.     
    
“Want to dance?” Xander pointed at a few couples swaying to the music.   
    
The girl gaped, she opened her mouth to say something, but Xander feeling that he knew where she was headed, pulled her up. “C’mon.” He was a little taken back at how strong her grip was. Poor thing must be freaking, he thought. He made a point to pass the group of women who looked at them, shock clear on their faces.   
    
Xander felt vindicated, especially when dancing with the girl he noticed her owed look.    
    
He opened his mouth to reassure her.   
    
“Ow!”     
    
 

  
    
_*~*~*~*~*_   
 

 

  
    
Sitting at the bar, bored when the whole teasing thing got old fast especially with no audience, Spike chewed on the olive as his mind went back to his troubled thoughts. The second they had walked into the bar, Xander’s attitude had slowly shifted back to his usual self, taking in every hit that Spike threw out with the bare minimum of witty comeback. It started Spike thinking.   
    
Spike’s thoughts slowed down as he watched Xander dance with that nerdy thing. He chuckled at each wince from Xander whenever the girl stepped on his foot. Spike could clearly see why the recently transmogrified man commiserated with the clumsy chit.   
    
Spike wondered if he should tell Xander that the reason the girl was awkward in her steps as he led her around the dance floor was because ‘she’ had went through her own changes.    
    
When Xander limped towards him, Spike smirked. “A boy in a dress is still a boy in a dress.”   
    
Xander flopped down on the empty seat next to Spike. “I’d hold up a mirror…  _but_ …” the dig was halfhearted.   
    
Spike couldn’t help but snicker around his drink, Xander’s oblivious good nature still amazed him. He caught the sneaky calculating look Xander was giving him and pretended he didn’t see it. Instead, he licked his lips, taunting the bartender into dropping a bottle onto his foot.   
    
Xander snickered.   
    
Spike watched him from the corner of his eyes. “So, out saving the helpless, Angel?”   
    
Xander’s hand instinctively went to his slightly gelled hair. “Cruel, Spike.” He glared as he caught his action, mentally swearing to never let Buffy anywhere near him with hair products.   
    
Although, he shot another look at Spike who seemed to be taking delight in tormenting every guy that came within teasing distance, it all did not go to waste.   
    
As Spike rebuffed yet another hopeless frat boy and turned to order a refill, his eyes fell on the proud grin that Xander was trying very hard to hide.  
    
Spike did a fully body tilt and narrowed his eyes, crossing his legs sexily.   
    
Xander, quickly covering up, donned his patented confused look. "What?" He started shifting uncomfortably under the piercing blue gaze.   
    
Spike groaned the mismatched pieces finally fitting together. “You tricked me."   
    
He watched how quick Xander gave up pretending that he was indifferent. He smiled genuinely. “My plan worked better than I thought.” Xander nodded, impressed with himself.   
    
“Your plan to pay for my scotch?” Spike tapped his fingers against the bar. “Why bring me here?”   
    
“Anya.” Xander took a sip from his beer, ignoring the growl at the mention of her name. “I wanted to yell at her when I saw her. To ask her how she could do that to me. But, I didn’t. Know why?”   
    
“Cause you’re a wimp?” Spike felt himself relax enough that he actually started enjoying his drink, figuring out where this was heading. Xander wasn’t planning anything devious, he was simply being his wimpy self and ‘sharing’. Spike also knew that Xander must have taken pleasure in pulling one over the evil soulless creature for once. Spike was very impressed.   
    
“Hell yeah! Did you see how demony she looked? Turned me on no more, pal.” Xander grimaced. “Other than that, I had it coming. Anything I said, she would’ve thrown back the ‘leaving her at the altar’ thing. So I ignored her. But, most importantly, I stopped caring.”   
    
“Did you now?” Spike sounded skeptic.    
    
“Or I made myself believe I did.” Xander shrugged. “I owe that to you.”   
    
Spike raised an eyebrow. This ought to be good.   
    
“Your brand of life does come off real easy, you know.”   
    
Spike gave Xander a once over. “You don’t look like a sexy lone wolf.”   
    
“Sing a different tune, Wilma.” Xander rolled his eyes. “I’m talking about rolling with the punches, getting the crap beat out of you and still finding a way to come on top – with cool hair.”   
    
Spike paused for a second, and then shrugged. “You’re welcome.” Maybe death by fire  _was_  too extreme.   
    
Xander pretended he didn’t see the grateful look in Spike’s expressive eyes. He chose to attribute his ability to read him too well on the female features, nothing more.   
    
They sat in companionable silence before Spike cursed under his breath. “There comes another hound sniffing.”   
    
Xander followed his glare at a presumptuous looking greasy man, who was making a beeline towards Spike. With only a second before the grease rocket hit, barely enough time to make a life changing decision, Xander got up, turned, pulled up Spike next to him and leered. His back served as a wall against the salivating homosapien.    
    
“Let’s dance, babe.”   
    
Spike just about got over the shock of being groped by Xander Harris before he felt a laugh build in his chest. He threw his head back and let out an unwomanly guffaw.   
    
He threw his arms around Xander’s neck, enjoying how Xander's heart rushed under his touch. Over Xander’s shoulder, Spike threw the taken aback man a pitying look, and pouted. “Alex here has me on a tight leash. It’s leather and hard.” The guy gaped.   
    
Spike pulled back to take in Xander’s flushed face. “Don’t call yourself a player if you don’t know the game, luv,” he purred and dragged a wild-eyed Xander to the dance floor.   
 

 

    
    
_*~*~*~*~*_

    
    
 

  
“So what do you think?”   
    
Xander looked uncomfortably at Spike who stood in the middle of his apartment, looking at him with an unreadable expression. After all, Xander just invited him to move in after luring him over for a promised ‘nightcap’.   
    
“Now, don’t freak. I’m not ‘keeping’ you. You’re your own man – vamp. It's that I did this to you.” He gestured wildly at Spike’s rigid body. “Actually  _Harmony_  did, but Anya tricked her because --- well, you know the story.” Xander wondered if he had blabbed this much when he was a woman or was it all him. “I feel guilty. There, I said it and it's not the hair gel talking. I want to finally sleep the night without worrying that chipped-you is clubbing it with humans who’ll gang rape you or something…”   
    
Spike raised an eyebrow.   
    
“Go with it --- there’s a point in the end,” Xander promised.   
    
Spike gave him the ‘I surely doubt that’ look that of all rights and purposes should have been patented for sole use of one Rupert Giles.   
    
Xander frowned. “Now you made me lose my train of thought. Where was I?”   
    
Spike crossed his arms. “Gang rape.”   
    
“Yeah, right. And we don’t want that happening.” He looked at Spike to make sure they were on the same track. Spike snorted.   
    
“Good. So, I decided…”   
    
Another look…   
    
“Uh, thought, that um, until your situation is fixed…”   
    
Spike glared.   
    
“Sorry. Poor choice of words…” Xander racked his finger through his hair, only to have them stick in the gel. “Ugh!” He pulled his hands free. “Do you want to stay here or not?!”   
    
Spike pulled his arms tighter under his ample chest and looked pointedly at Xander’s bedroom.   
    
Xander blinked stupidly at his soon-to-be-house-guest before he realized what Spike was insinuating at.   
    
“No!” Xander nearly screamed in denial. Several images did a quick flash before his eyes while his body did an uncomfortable twitch that Spike’s smirk didn’t miss. Xander blushed and glared, not happy with the teasing. “We’re gonna have some rules.”   
    
“Uh huh.”   
    
Xander sighed in defeat. “There.” He walked them towards a small door and opened it, showing Spike inside.   
    
“I actually got the idea of turning it into a mini-spare room after Buffy was done with impounding most of my clothes.” Xander made a show of flopping on the made-up bed. “I can’t compare, but I can guess it’s more comfy than a crypt.”   
    
Spike frowned. He looked around before his eyes returned once more on an expectant looking Xander. He sniffed. “It smells.”   
    
Xander grinned unrepentantly. “Lady Buff took care of that, too.” He brandished a couple of air fresheners from under the bed and waved them. “Pina Colada or Honeysuckle?”


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

 

 

  
  
Stepping out of the shower, Xander grinned at his reflection for what must have been the tenth time that day. His face was finally his face, hair short once more, and his stubbly chin as manly as ever. He took a couple of steps back and admired the play of muscles on his arms, flexing his biceps with a cursory glance downward to greet his little buddy.   
  
Tomorrow, it was back to work for him.   
  
It would be amazing, working with his hands, sweating, and building things like a  _man_. His ‘extended leave’ due to extenuating circumstances had been cut short and not one of his buddies at work was the wiser.   
  
It was like the last two weeks had never happened.   
  
Life was good.   
  
He grabbed his toothpaste and toothbrush and flashed a set of manly teeth to the mirror. Brushing his teeth, his mind wandered to the next morning and what wall needed to go up first.  
  
Xander, too absorbed in his thoughts as he gazed at his reflection, failed to notice Spike coming in through the slightly ajar door.   
  
Spike paused taking in the scene in front of him. When his presence was not detected, he moved in behind the posturing man. Instead of announcing his presence, Spike dropped his towel. Stretching his limbs, his eyes roamed over Xander as he pondered the situation.   
  
Spike smirked.   
  
He moved closer, light on his feet. He got as close as to put his ear by Xander’s mouth, the other man distracted, busy brushing his teeth and humming.   
  
“Occupied?”   
  
Jumping away from the whisper at his ear, Xander did a full body turn, tube of paste raised in an instinctive defensive motion. His eyes widened and he froze, tooth brush drooping in his mouth.   
  
“Hm.” Spike pressed his tongue to his cheek and made a show of looking down. “This no doubt gives a new meaning to ‘butting heads’."   
  
Xander proved his newfound manliness by not screaming. He choked, noting vaguely that tooth paste did not go down smoothly.   
  
Spike leered and wiggled a little, "I think it likes me."   
  
With no more than a whimper, Xander escaped.   
  
"Oi! I need that paste!"   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
02: 23 a.m.   
  
Xander groaned, willing himself to stop looking at the glowing numbers at his bedside and focus on sleeping. He would have blamed it if he could on his excitement for the day ahead - which was going to be in a little over three hours. However, he knew that would be a feeble lie. Scrunching his eyes, he bit back a whine. The simple truth was that every time he closed his eyes he saw Spike’s naked body, all soft curves, pale skin and ---   
  
“Guh!” Xander jumped up, throwing off the covers. Feeling his head spin at the rush, he flopped back down and exhaled in defeat. “This is my own fault.”   
  
It was his fault that Anya was upset with him. It was his fault that he got turned into a girl. And it was definitely his fault that Spike got caught in the middle. He couldn’t very well blame Spike for resenting Xander; after all, he himself was padding that same bleak boat mere hours ago. So it made sense that it was also his fault that he was stuck with the vampire turned weird comrade turned female - hot female. And if Xander had to choose between a moping pissed off Spike - who if easily pressed could find a way to kill him without any Slayer payback - and a Spike who found his pleasure at Xander’s expense with added sexual tension, Xander would be only a tad discomfited to pick the latter less guilt inducing choice.   
  
Problem was, Xander discounted how effortlessly he could be played.   
  
He really needed to sleep.   
  
“What was it that Willow once said?” Xander mumbled, looking at the digital night light clock. 02:30 a.m. “Something about if there’s a song you want out of your head, you gotta sing it to the end. Oh God… here goes nothing.” He closed his eyes.   
  
_Pale white skin pulled taut over a firm well-proportioned body. Long flawless neck barely hidden by messy blonde locks. Pink full lips stretched into an inviting smirk._  
  
Xander’s hands clutched onto the covers.   
  
_Round ample shameless breasts. Flat stomach. Sexy inviting dip in the hipbone._  
  
Xander wondered if Spike also had that dip when he was male.   
  
By sunrise, Xander had mentally revisited every disgusting demon that had ever crossed his path. Never had a cup of coffee tasted so good.   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
“Harris, vacation looks good on ya, lucky bastard!”   
  
Xander laughed as a hand roughly smacked him on the back. “Taking that as a complement, Jed,” he said to the muscled giant.   
  
“Man’s only teasing you, Xander.” A warm hand shake and a bright grin presented him with a steaming cup of coffee. “Welcome back.”   
  
Xander exuberantly twisted his shoulder as he accepted the drink. “I know, Matt, but it’d be nice to work up a sweat with the guys rather than desking it for my first day.”   
  
"Ain't happening. We're undermanned. Gonna have to get down and dirty." Jed barked a laugh.   
  
Xander rolled his eyes. "And you wonder why no woman survives this place." He shared a grin with Matt at Jed's confused look. "I'll go change. The South wall isn’t going to put itself up."  
  
For the next few hours, Xander made a show of picking up some of the hardest jobs at the construction site. He even found himself at lunch with a few of the crudest workers, catcalling passing women, trying not to look offended at some of the words they were using.   
  
And why would he?   
  
He was a guy after all.   
  
The day ended far too soon – Xander enjoying the burning in his muscles from a well labored day.   
  
Time came to discuss next week's project, and Xander took no time in claiming the trickiest build, usually assigned to more burly men like Jed. He didn't notice the look that passed between Matt and Jed, especially since Xander tried to volunteer to work over the weekend.   
  
“Ease it in, Harris, we don’t want a lawsuit on our hands,” his boss had ended the day with a kind but serious tone.   
  
Walking toward his car, a yell stopped Xander in his tracks. He turned to see Matt calling for him.   
  
"Xander, you free tonight?"   
  
Xander frowned. He opened his mouth to give some excuse but was interrupted. "Great! ‘Cause me and the Large One--" Matt said, gesturing at Jed standing out front in his one size too small shirt. "Planned a welcome back from obscurity night for you."   
  
Xander made an apologetic face but Matt was too quick for him. "Can't back down. Remember how Jed acted when you refused that bachelor party he had planned for you?"   
  
At Xander's horror struck face, Matt's trademark grin expanded. "It's set then. We'll see you in two hours max at that new bar across town. Know the place?"   
  
Xander nodded.   
  
Matt turned to Jed and yelled, "It's on!"   
  
Xander tried not to outwardly shudder at the overly eager look that took hold of Jed's face.   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
“Oi, where you off to in a rush?” Spike tutted. “The wet-hair look is so last spring.”   
  
Xander barely spared Spike a glance. “Guys at work roped me into drinks at the bar on the other side of town.”   
  
“I’d go for some wings.”   
  
Xander almost tripped, fixing his shoes as he moved. “What?" He shook his head. "I've no time for this." He rushed towards the door, almost forgetting his keys. He looked around to find them twirling in Spike's hand. Jumping forward, he grabbed them with a grumble. "I could be late. Don't leave your bloody mugs out again."   
  
Spike opened his mouth. Xander held up his hand. "No. Time." He left, slamming the door, his voice trailing behind him, "Like I need this tonight."   
  
Spike arched his eyebrow to the empty room. He played with a strand of his hair, a smirk on his lips. "It is cordial good roommate manner to remind him it was his day to go for a blood run."   
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Walking past the bouncer, Spike threw him a flirty smile in thanks for letting him in without a cover charge.  _Say what you say about this body, but it's a money saver._  
  
Spike was used to getting looked at like he was the Day's Special. But tonight, he had made extra effort to be noticed. He had saved this for a rainy day. He glanced down at the dress he had found in the laundry. Xander had missed one of Anya's dresses in his cleansing ritual, and if Spike had to say so, it looked much better on him.   
  
"So much for going out with the guys," Spike murmured sarcastically as he easily discerned Xander and his 'buddies' surrounded by what Spike could easily describe as a flock of bimbos. One particularly reddish monstrosity was slobbering all over his sugar-daddy.   
  
Spike narrowed his eyes when the woman and her claws made a not so subtle shift to Xander’s newly reacquired property. Vampire agility and feminine attributed swiftness had Spike sitting on Xander’s lap. He covered his pleased grin when Xander’s arms unconsciously wrapped around him in support and pouted.   
  
“I missed you, baby.”   
  
“Uh, ah, wha…”   
  
It was interesting how Xander’s mouth never ceased flapping even when he had nothing to say.   
  
Spike locked eyes with Xander. Xander was giving him the wide-eyed ‘What the Hell’ look. Spike smirked his ‘Payback Time’ smile, leaning closer, taking in how Xander’s body froze but his eyes moved to Spike’s lips, moving down…   
  
“Hey!”   
  
Spike blinked his eyes, pretending like he forgot there were other people around, he moved back, trying to ignore the distracting sound of racing heart beat in his ears. Xander’s mates varied from a gigantic nimrod who apparently invested his height in checking down Spike’s dress and a bright eyed pup about Harris’s age that seemed taken aback at the turn of the events. Of course, one must not forget their female companions who sized him up as competition.   
  
Spike wiggled more in Xander’s lap and played with the hair curling at the nape of his neck for extra measure. The heart beat sped up again. He looked at the redhead who, up close, had a complexion that was quickly catching up to her hair.   
  
“What’s going on?” she said under her breath.   
  
Spike sniffed, thinking that she would have been better off passing on that last order of schnapps.   
  
“Why, aren’t you cute? Don’t pay any sense to those oafs who say them jugs aren’t real.” Spike pleasantly smiled at the flabbergasted redhead. “Those Mexicans sure know their cows.”   
  
Xander could only gape. His hands, in contrast, instinctively tightened around Spike.   
  
Spike cocked an eyebrow.   
  
“Oh, I never!” The redhead raised her hand and promptly smacked Xander’s mouth closed. “Let’s go ladies.” She marched out, glaring at her hens to follow.   
  
“Dude that was  _hot_ ,” Jed exclaimed.   
  
This caused Xander to snap out of stupor and push Spike off as he stood up.   
  
“Xander, you really should’ve told us you had a girl - and here we gone all out thinking you needed to be brought out of a post-Anya slump.” Matt tisked.   
  
Xander paused mid glaring at a merry Spike flamboyantly chewing at a buffalo wing to look at his coworkers. “What?”   
  
“It was only a thought before, but we rushed it out seeing as you were gaming for Hulk at the site today,” Jed said, pumping his hands. “If I didn’t know you, kid, I would’ve pegged you for juicer.”   
  
Spike was faster on the uptake than Xander. He finished licking off sauce from his fingers and slinked up to Xander, swiftly having himself wrapped in his arms. Before Xander had a chance to shove him away, Spike covered his whispered, “Want to get canned?”, with a peck to his ear.   
  
Xander heaved a silent groan and clutched painfully at Spike’s arm in warning.   
  
Spike was not phased and instead turned a brilliant smile at the two seated men.   
  
“Poor boy couldn’t wait to get back to work - he couldn’t sleep, he was so excited. Mumbling all night the  _attributes_  that go into a one-of-a-kind build…”   
  
Spike didn’t need to look to feel Xander’s entire body flush.   
  
Matt nodded his head. “That makes sense.”   
  
“Uh hm.” Spike burrowed into Xander.   
  
Jed wolf whistled. “Well, dude, color us surprised and pumped. Your new lady’s smoking’!” He gave two thumbs up. At Matt’s jab, he added, “And sophisticated.”   
  
Spike bit back a haughty snort at Americans and their regard to an English accent.   
  
Xander chuckled nervously and gently eased Spike away from him. “Oh, well…”   
  
Matt looked between them, attention peeked. “So, how long have you two been an item?”   
  
Spike eyes twinkled and cut in as if he was speaking in an afterthought, “Oh, Xanny. We’re out of milk.” He enjoyed the startled look on Xander’s face. He fluttered his lashes. “It was your turn to pick up more.”   
  
“You already live together?” Matt exclaimed. He blushed when he realized he had said that out loud.   
  
Jed was not as tactful. “That’s why the wedding was a bust.” He punched Matt in the shoulder. “Told you it wasn’t ‘cause Harris was playing fairy. Not with a babe like this.”   
  
Matt blushed even brighter.   
  
This time it was Xander’s turn to interrupt as he tentatively laughed, thanked the guys for the drinks, and made a hasty exist, dragging Spike along before the vampire made things worse.   
  
Outside the bar, Xander turned to glower at Spike. “What do you have to say for yourself?”   
  
Spike puckered his lips. “Milk’s code for blood.” 


	16. Chapter 16

 

 

  
  
  
 

The Summers' small living room appeared more crowded than the Bronze on a good night. Teenage girls and boys filled the place, chattering, laughing, dancing and making fools out of themselves in ways Xander vaguely remembered from when he was a teenager himself.  
  
Vaguely might have had something to do with the number of birthday parties he was invited to as a teenager, which was not many.   
  
Memorable days of adolescence felt a little too close to the surface when Xander was surrounded with it; it was all he could do not to fall back into the awkward social patterns of his past.   
  
But all feelings of awkwardness soon disappeared when one of Dawn's little friends blatantly started checking him out. She adjusted her glasses so not to slip to her freckled cheeks, and ducked her head bashfully when he caught her eyes.   
  
With this brand new boost to his confidence, Xander gave her a friendly grin and held back his glee when she blushed and hid behind some girls.   
  
It was apparently his night, because she wasn't the only one taken with him. Googly teenage eyes followed him and a few "accidental" bumps interrupted his way as he cut a path to the kitchen to refill the cheese ball bowl. He was fully confident it was his masculine construction worker body, but a quick glance at a reflective surface did help push down any lingering doubts that there was something off.   
  
He patted down the front of his new red shirt. Perhaps folding under Spike’s “fashion duress” was not the worst thing he did - it was a good compromise with Spike losing the short shorts. Even Buffy’s eyes had lingered a tad too long for normal when he had arrived with the drinks earlier tonight.   
  
Speaking of the blonde duo, Xander didn't bother with the traditional polite cough as he walked in on the two of them in the kitchen. "So this is how kids share lipstick these days," he observed, his voice betraying nothing as he glanced at their parted lips and flushed faces.   
  
Buffy smacked a hand over her mouth and mumbled indiscernible excuse, escaping whilst Spike casually leaned against the sink and met Xander's eyes unblinkingly.   
  
Xander gently put down the bowl, crossed his arms and readied himself for a long glare session.   
  
"Xander," Dawn cut in as she dragged a lanky boy, literally breaking the silent staring match. "Meet Dan.” When Xander said nothing, she pushed the boy forward. “My date."   
  
Xander pursed his lips and shared a meaningful look with Spike, tipping his head toward the boy with a slight nod. The vampire slowly straightened and stuck his hands into the back pockets of his tightly fitting jeans, pushing his taut breasts firmly against the cotton V-neck t-shirt, which, now that Xander considered it, bore an uncanny resemblance to the shirt he was currently wearing.   
  
Spike gave him a smug grin then turned his full attention to the squirming figure in the room who was having a hushed conversation with Dawn on why he needed Xander’s approval and how awkward this was.   
  
Taking a slow, deep breath, Xander tore his gaze away from Spike and eyed down the boy, Dan, before completely dismissing him as he put his arm around Dawn, cutting her off mid-rant and showed her out, leaving the confused boy alone with Spike.   
  
Dawn, reading the situation, frowned disapprovingly. She opened her mouth to object but was interrupted by Xander popping a cheese ball into it.   
  
"Don’t scrunch your nose at me. We’re just making sure he's nothing like your last date.” Xander raised his voice to cover any suspicious sounds that might come from the kitchen. “You know the one with a full body tan line and a knack for necks."   
  
  
  
  
 

~*~*~*~   
 

  
  
  
  
  
"I can still smell the goo in my hair," Willow complained to Buffy, sniffing a stray lock of her hair with disgust. She redid her ponytail extra tight as they strolled down the street toward Xander's building.   
  
"It was wild yesterday," Buffy said with the barest of sympathy, "Poor Dawn."   
  
The main entertainment of the night wasn’t Spike teaching the girls pole dancing moves - foretelling a story Buffy both feared and wished to hear - it was the demon-of-the-week who had possessed Dawn's current crush, resulting in the expected amount of chaos. A cliché victim was the birthday cake Buffy had put her heart and soul into; the final touches alone were a thing of beauty meant for a Martha Stewart book.   
  
Buffy scowled, remembering how Demon Dan had fallen head first into her lovely big cake when there was a perfectly nice wall to ram into right next to the buffet table.   
  
The demon that slithered out of him was a goo monster worthy of 80s slimy horror movies.   
  
It wasn’t all bad. It did help them fish out the wanna-be teenage-witch who had been casting hexes on kids at school, not to mention it had saved them all from dying in sugar induced comas. Buffy still couldn’t figure out how she had read the recipe to include sixteen cups of sugar.   
  
"A sweet sixteen twists into disaster? Not hard to relate," Willow said with a reminiscent sigh. The Rosenberg home had transformed into a zoo of teens she didn't even know, all because Xander had passed out 'Open Party' fliers so that Linda Slutzilla Harper would attend.   
  
She didn’t.   
  
However, Mrs. Rosenberg had commended Willow on her “show” of teen rebellion in throwing a “rave”, and explained to her how it was all part of “growing up”.   
  
"I hope Dawn doesn't inherit my BDP jinx." Buffy sidestepped a crack in the pavement, recalling her personal birthday party experiences with a shudder.   
  
Reaching the doorway to Xander’s building, Willow pushed the door and held it open for Buffy to pass through with her cargo.   
  
"On the upside, those odd pastries Spike brought were really tasty." Willow bit her lip, recalling the warm taste they left on her tongue. “It’s a bummer that Giles hogged most of them.”   
  
Buffy glanced at the clean glass platter they were bringing back to Xander's place. "Yeah, he'd mentioned something about knowing how to cook, but I never believed him."   
  
“I didn't believe him when he said he could pole dance and look how that one turned out.” Willow grinned. She had sorted things with Tara but that didn’t mean they didn’t enjoy the show. A lot. Even over Xander’s tad too loud criticism and the teenage squeals and catcalls.   
  
All things considered, Dawn might be the most popular girl in school today.   
  
Reaching their destination, Willow knocked at Xander's door, seconds later the door opened to Xander greeting them.   
  
He had a towel wrapped neatly on his head.   
  
Buffy and Willow blinked.   
  
"What?" Xander asked. At their dual stare, his hand instinctively went to his head. He scowled, letting them in. "I’m not having a girly flashback, it’s cold." He snatched the wet towel from his head and tossed it to the kitchen sink.   
  
"It's been little over a week," Buffy said with a grin. "Still oversensitive to your brief saunter as part of the wild side?"   
  
"Takes time for the mental scars to completely fade." He glanced in the direction of his once-a-closet where Spike was currently playing the part of a corpse so well. "Especially with extra-wild Spike around."   
  
Buffy bit back a grin. “Aw, he’s not so bad. Dead to the world half the day, you have the place to yourself.”   
  
“You’d think,” Xander grumbled.   
  
He was about to say something else when Willow asked, “House Rules?” She was standing in front of a wall free of anything but of the framed paper Willow was inspecting with interest.   
 

 ** House Rules ** ** **

 

¨      Lack of clothes is only allowed in room. YOUR room!

¨      No wet towels on the floor.

¨      No bloody mugs in the sink.

¨      No cigarettes all over the apartment.

¨      Use coasters.

¨      No flirting with pizza guy (He's underage).

¨      Always flirt with Chinese takeout for fast delivery (and extra fortune cookies).

¨      Stop lying to the neighbors about our sex life.

¨      You cook on Thursdays. Alcohol is NOT a main ingredient.

¨      Do not record soap operas over the video tape rentals.

¨      No prank-calling Giles (unless I'm there).

¨      Keep your bleach away from my shampoo!!!

  
“Long list for such a short time together.” Willow pointed at the paper. “Nice font though. Very straight forward. Arial?”   
  
“Nope, Verdana.” Xander moved closer and shook his head. “Almost did go with it though.”   
  
Willow nodded. “It works.”   
  
“I think it gives out the desired no nonsense meaning. The resident vamp nagged for some class on the wall, like Garamond, but it’s too fancy  _look at me, I’m so posh_ …”   
  
Buffy stood back while her two friends discussed the implicit meanings of specific fonts. She hugged the dish closer to her.   
  
Willow raised an eyebrow. "If you hung it in a frame, why not put glass over it?"   
  
Xander glowered at the paper as if it personally offends him. "Because Spike's need for rules is unending, and the list keeps growing."   
  
"It’s not that bad, right? I mean, he can cook!" Buffy said, holding up the platter, glad for the distraction from what was quickly looking like a documentary into the history of lettering.   
  
Xander didn’t bother to hide his wince. “Yeah, about that, Giles mentioned that he might be coming to the Magic Box, stomach ache.” Who knew Giles had such a sweet tooth?   
  
Buffy shrugged, handing Xander the serving dish. "I washed it. That's me showing manners and appreciation." She flashed him a grin.   
  
Xander narrowed his eyes at her words and moved to replace the dish in the cupboard. "I'm sure you expressed your appreciation in all sorts of interesting ways yesterday."   
  
Buffy didn't miss the disdain in his voice. "What's with the residual bitchiness?" She followed him into the kitchen and blocked his way, hands on her hips.   
  
Willow muttered under her breath, “Cat fight.”   
  
Xander turned and crossed his arms. "Maybe it has something to do with last night’s highlight event."   
  
"Hey, if you’re still cranky that Dan got the first and last taste of the uber-cake I told you  _not_  to touch until Dawn makes with the magicless wishing, then have your resident vamp chef cook you something."   
  
Disregarded, Willow corrected more to herself, “Bake.”   
  
“You two sure cooked something hot yesterday,” Xander shot back, towering over Buffy’s tiny frame.   
  
Buffy crossed her arms to match his stance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she hissed, her voice a little scratchy.   
  
Xander recoiled. "You two were lip-kissing!" He shook a reproachful finger.   
  
Buffy gasped, indignant. "We so weren't." Her eyes shifted to gauge Willow’s reaction.   
  
Willow had a hand over her face, but Buffy could defiantly see a large grin and her frame was shaking as if to silently suppress laughter. Buffy felt her cheeks heat.   
  
"Buffy. I saw you. In the kitchen," Xander squealed, indignant at her denial. "You made with the hasty escape before the shiny dribble you left on Spike’s lips even dried."   
  
Buffy’s whole face took on a flushed tint. "That was a slip. Very small slip. A never gonna happen again slip."   
  
"Lot of slipping going on lately,” Xander accused with a huff. "And here I thought Willow had it the worst out of all of us, but it seems that the weakest Scooby award goes to our fearless leader."   
  
"Hey!" Buffy and Willow chimed together.   
  
Buffy frowned, backtracking. "Wait. Us?”   
  
"Deflection!," Xander’s shout of accusation interrupted her scary train of thought.   
  
Buffy took a threatening step forward, her eyes glinting dangerously.   
  
Willow intervened, her amusement over the situation abated. “Enough.” She bestowed the two of them with her rare don’t-mess-with-me glare. "Okay, there are more issues here on both sides of this weird triangle than I even want to know." She gave them a look. "And I don’t think either of you would like my theories on why it's such a twisted touchy subject for both of you."   
  
Xander threw a hand in the air, palm faced forward in a stop signal. "I've got zero pent up issues here. I just think time’s better spent on finding a way to re-gender Spike so he can stop putting his stuff where it doesn't belong."   
  
Harsh reality words spoken, they looked at each other, not knowing where to go from there.   
  
Buffy sighed, walking to the living room and throwing herself on the couch, suddenly exhausted. Xander and Willow joined her. The three friends sat in silence for a moment.   
  
"Research went nowhere fast,” Buffy spoke up, her voice morose. “Giles is on the verge of giving up and I don’t know how Spike is gonna take that."   
  
"Spike - stuck as a girl? Forever?" Xander winced at the squeaky tone in his voice as he contemplated that outlook.   
  
"I'm sure there's a way, we're just not researching the right books," Willow spoke softly, trying to sound optimistic. She patted Xander’s knee.   
  
"What’s with the sympathy groping?" Xander glared at the hand on his knee.   
  
"Because with Spike as a girl you seem to be suffering the most.” Willow explained with another pat. “Hence the sympathy."   
  
"I'm not the one who needs sympathy." He pushed his thumb in Buffy’s direction. "She does."   
  
Buffy sat up. "Why are we back at me again?" she whined.   
  
"You're the one kissing the undead female version of the bleached menace. Not me." Xander took in a deep breath and urged his racing heart to recede from his throat as it had no grounds to being there.   
  
"I'm not!"   
  
"Okay, Buffy, we know you do," Willow said, putting a stop to it. “It’s kinda funny really until it’s not.”   
  
Buffy hung her mouth open in shock, about to protest, but eventually ducked her head in defeat. "I have a problem."   
  
Xander patted her on the shoulder, suddenly feeling lighter. "First step to recovery, Buff. Ask Willow." He jumped when Willow clenched her hand on his knee.   
  
"He's right," Buffy mumbled. "I have more things to worry about. Like getting my life back on track. Paying more attention to Dawn, slaying, and my current not-so-pleasant-but-so-needed job at the Magic Box playing sexy librarian and heavy box mover." She looked up at them. "I shouldn’t be kissing female vamps."   
  
"Buffy, there's nothing wrong with kissing female vamps," Willow corrected.   
  
Xander gasped, they were fixing things, damn it, not playing life coach.   
  
Willow rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."   
  
A small smile curled up Buffy's lips. "It was kinda fun. Kissing a woman." She smiled to Willow, ignoring the way Xander shrunk, stuck between them. "I mean I can see where you're coming from."   
  
Willow grinned back.   
  
Xander felt the blood drain from his face before something hit him. He threw up his hands. "Wait!” he cut into their feminine bonding ritual of giggling. “Buffy Summers, are you coming out now? Does this mean, and this is just off the top of my head, us three amigos can go out and pick up chicks together?" He grinned like a lunatic, enjoying the proposal. “It’ll never fail having two wing-women to talk me up to the ladies.”   
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow at him. "It  _was_  fun." She looked at Willow apologetically. "It's just… I'm more… penis-friendly."   
  
The girls shared another giggle fest.   
  
Xander deflated, consciousness checking out of the chick conversation that quickly ensued. He had needed a win, even a little one with silvery lining. But, he never came on top with the “fairer sex”. He wondered if he were penis-friendly, too.   
  
Odds were he would never find out seeing as Spike's situation might never get fixed…   
  
His eyes widened.   
  
_Okay, a box is not enough for this one. I need a trunk._  
  
  
  
  
  
 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
The door to Spike's room clicked open, Xander's heart thudded as it always did now whenever he heard the familiar sound. He wasn't sure why he typed the naked rule on the wall as #1. He knew that in doing so not only would Spike not follow it, the vampire would see it as a challenge to break it in a show of rebellious posturing. To contemplate a reason to write that rule other than  _not_  wanting it to happen was something Xander wouldn't admit to even if his life depended on it - which these days seemed more and more likely.   
  
He didn't turn his head, his gaze glued to the television while his attention riveted on the sound of the fridge opening. The usual sounds followed; a drawer pulled open, a mug was placed on the counter, blood poured and the sound of the microwave turning on. Xander remained silent, resisting the voice urging him to look, knowing that one even a second would have great effects on a part of his body that couldn't be controlled. Unfortunately for him, just the awareness of Spike's naked female body being in the same room with him stirred his disobedient body part to life.   
  
"Were we playing hosts today?" Spike asked, one hand holding his mug while the other rested on a perfect hip, Xander noted.   
  
Hastily shifting his eyes back to the T.V. Xander said in a strained voice, "You better work on getting dressed. Buffy is expecting you to meet her at the Magic Box tonight."   
  
“Does she now?" Spike said with a sly look, about to sit on the couch next to him.   
  
Xander jumped, snapping finger at Spike’s face, because that was where he was looking. "No naked butts to be seated on anything except your bed."   
  
Spike stopped midway, in a perfect squat, giving Xander a skeptical look. "That's not on the list."   
  
"It is now!"   
  
Xander made a mental note to get a larger frame tomorrow.   
  
  
  
  
 

~*~*~*~   
 

  
  
  
  
“You  _wanted_  me?”   
  
Buffy already sensing that Spike was standing behind her, finished putting up the anatomically incorrect statue. She turned to find Spike standing directly in front of her, his long hair tangling with hers, the end of his duster brushing against her legs.   
  
Spike wiggled his eyebrows.   
  
Buffy snorted and pushed past him.   
  
“Stop it.”   
  
Spike turned around and followed her over to the counter where she was jotting down today’s earning in the books. Spike trapped her, his chest pushing against her back as she jotted down a couple of numbers.   
  
“You forgot to add the one,” Spike said over her shoulder, arms holding her in place.   
  
Buffy dropped her head and sighed. “Spike. We need to talk.” She felt the body against her back stiffen, silence meeting her words. She opened her mouth to speak.   
  
“Don’t.” Spike’s words were muffled. “My enhanced intuition is fully capable of hashing this out on its own.”   
  
“I’m...” She tried to turn around but he was firm against her. “I know it’s me that… I gave you the...”   
  
Spike chuckled. “Spare me, Slayer.” Buffy closed her eyes. “I’m a connoisseur of experiments.” His words felt like light kisses against the back of neck.   
  
“Spike…” The pressure against her back suddenly disappeared. She raised her head and sighed, massaging her neck. She was alone the Magic Box and those boxes were not going to move themselves.   
  
  
  
  
 

~*~*~*~   
 

  
  
  
  
Xander couldn’t sleep. There was no reason why he could not. Absolutely none. The usual cause of his nightly wakefulness was not even in the apartment. In fact, he had been gone for most of the night and the sun was only minutes away from coming up. That was a real problem because Xander had to get up for work in three hours.   
  
A couple of hours ago after tossing and turning in the magnificent silence of his apartment, he thought that a stroll in the fresh night air might help him sleep better. The air did seem stuffy in doors.   
  
He took his car.   
  
Driving didn’t seem to help, even after he remembered to open the window. He found himself paying more attention to the sides of the road and dark alleys around absolutely random bars, it was an unconscious action. And it did help him find this quaint little coffee place tucked in a dark corner next to one of those random dingy bars that served breakfast at night.   
  
Another half hour of casual driving and Xander, not feeling the least bit dozy, turned back to that small shop.   
  
That was how he found himself now sitting in front of the television, watching something that was supposed to be funny - the laugh track had led him to believe - and eating a pretty decent waffle.   
  
The repetitive laugher almost drowned out the sound of keys clumsily being worked into the door.   
  
Fork stopped mid way to his mouth, Xander watched Spike stumble into apartment, whether too drunk or too beat up Xander’s didn’t really know or care.   
  
“You okay?” was mumbled around a large bite of sugary pastry.   
  
Spike stopped staggering into the room long enough to glare. He finally pulled to a stop, forcefully took off his duster and tossed it to the ground. Xander watched the cloud of dust in fascination. He turned his gaze back to Spike and mechanically assessed the damage. The vampire smelled of booze, but it seemed more on him than in him.   
  
Bar fight.   
  
His shirt was slashed in the middle but all Xander could see was smooth pale…   
  
Xander moved his eyes quickly to scraped knuckles, a plump-bruised lip, tousled hair and darkened seriously pissed blue eyes.   
  
“We done now?”   
  
Xander thought back to last night in the Summers’ kitchen and their glaring match; how Spike’s gaze had glinted with its usual rebelliousness and self-satisfaction - similar to how he looked post-chip at the Adam debacle. Spike’s gaze now held the customary rebelliousness; however, arrogance was replaced with masked hurt. Xander had no idea how he could read it so clearly, but he didn’t like it so much that his chest felt constricted.   
  
The incessant laugh track bellowed one more, without looking, he muted the television.   
  
Xander’s first instinct was to say he was sorry. But, he wasn’t and talking was totally a female shadow instinct.   
  
Spike was starting to growl. Xander never had much of a poker face and Spike could read him like an open book with really large font. Xander quickly shifted his eyes but he knew it was too late and his obligatory roommate unmistakably read the pity in them.   
  
“Go ahead, Harris. Say it.” Spike sniffed haughtily. “Can’t get better ammo than this.”   
  
_You really don’t._ Xander straightened his gaze. But, he wasn’t an idiot, despite how others are led to believe. He knew math, maybe not really well, but doesn’t matter how you shuffle it, the numbers will add up to crappy in Spike’s case. And Xander wasn’t the kind of person to kick another when they were down - vampires, though, they were another matter. Spike in particular.   
  
His expression hardened. Spike pulled up straighter.   
  
“Shut up, Spike, and eat your cold waffles.” Xander gestured to the table where a plate with two untouched waffles was placed next to a metal container.   
  
He pretended he didn’t witness and enjoy the dazed expression Spike wore so well as he processed what just happened. He unmuted the television and dug back into his breakfast, grinning at an especially funny joke. The waffles tasted like syrupy heaven.   
  
The couch curved in as Spike sat next to him in perfect silence.   
  
“ _Don’t_  get blood on the floorboards. That’s going on the list!”   
  
  
 

~*~*~*~ 


	17. Chapter 17

 

 

 

 

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when their last customer finally left the Magic Box. She had successfully managed not to mix hair portions with troll remedies this time, dodging another horrible but genuinely unintended disaster. Last night, Giles was mighty pissed after one of the Magic Box’s regular customers stormed into the shop with a literally green face and an even greener butt – the poor spooked guy kept shoving it in Buffy and Giles’ faces, his shrill voice threatening to sue.   
  
After that catastrophe was averted, it was Giles’ turn to threaten to chop Buffy’s salary below minimum wage if she didn’t get her act together. Something she could not afford now. “You think that’s our last customer?” She bumped her head on the counter in exhaustion, yelping when pain exploded in her forehead.   
  
“I believe so.” Giles eyed her suspiciously as he placed a couple of items on the shelves. “You look quite relieved.”  
  
Buffy winced, not just because the penny that had stuck to her forehead left a definite mark, but also because she was being Ungrateful Buffy again. “Sorry. I’m glad you made me partner. This is far better than slaving at the Doublemeat Palace.” She watched him head to the cash register for the routine money checkup. “You probably miss Anya’s enthusiasm for the job.”  
  
He lifted an eyebrow. “You would be surprised by the things I don’t miss.”   
  
Buffy snickered. Giles and Anya had probably had more fights and disagreements than all the times she had made Spike her punching bag. “But you trusted her to run the business on her own.”  
  
Giles looked at her thoroughly. “I trust you to do the same job, Buffy.”   
  
She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. I’m glad you’re here. It’s the ‘not here’ that worries me.”  
  
“I’m not leaving.” He looked her right in the eyes and then went back to what he was doing. “Frankly, you lot can’t manage a day without my required wisdom.”  
  
Buffy nodded. “We’re all a hopeless case.”   
  
He smiled at her. “I will close the shop. You can run along.”  
  
Buffy pouted. “You let Anya close the shop while you ran along.”  
  
“Anya didn’t have the sacred duty of a Slayer,” he said pointedly.   
  
“Gotcha.” Buffy snapped her fingers and, without a second pause, bolted out of the Magic Box.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
The night was a total drag, Buffy hoped for some action in the cemetery after long hours trying to figure out retail. Apparently, forces of evil took the night off early tonight. She eagerly decided to head back home, catch on old sitcoms and give herself a manicure. Walking with a spring in her step for a mere two seconds before an awful stench hit her nose – urgh, it was the demon bar Spike had taken her to before.   
  
Hearing the faint yet distinctive meows drifting from inside, she nodded. Yep, same stinky bar.   
  
She was about to take another route when she noticed a couple of men dragging a blonde woman out of the bar and helping themselves into her clothes.   
  
Buffy’s heart sped with underlying sense of duty and she marched to rescue the poor damsel. She swatted the perverts off the woman like a couple of giant bugs. “Places like these are dangerous for humans,” she advised the retreating cowards. “I’ll use my legs next time I see you both stepping a foot inside this club.”   
  
She turned around to help the… Spike? Buffy stopped, and boggled. “Spike, are you insane?”  
  
He replied with a high-pitched laugh and tried to push himself up with flimsy hands. Buffy grimaced at the sleazy dress he was wearing, afraid to ask him where he got it from. Stole, more accurately. “You’re wasted?”   
  
He squinted his eyes at her, swaying back and forth, and then grabbed her shoulders for balance. “Double or nothing,” came in a puff of stinky breath.   
  
Buffy scrunched her nose and looked away. “What?”  
  
“We go in, cruise for boy toys, get ‘em hot and bothered.” He licked the back of his upper teeth seductively. “Chick who snogs most himbos gets to wear the other’s outfits for a week.”   
  
“What? Spike, you don’t own outfits!” She barely finished her outcry over the unfairness of the bet when an eager Spike pulled her into the club. He weaved his way into the mass of dancing humans and demons. Buffy was astonished to see the not so few number of happy humans busting a move on the dance floor with loose-skinned demon partners.   
  
Spike stopped suddenly, scoping the place out for hot guys.   
  
Buffy tucked on his arm. “How about we just go home…”  
  
“I call dibs!” he hollered, already reeling towards a couple of hot babes sitting at the table before them. Spike tripped over his feet and fell into one of the guys’ lap – the guy in return was pleasantly surprised. Spike went straight for tongue wrestling, attracting every prying eye in the club.   
  
Buffy gawked when Spike switched from the man to his buddy, waving a hand in the air and howling, “It’s on, bitch!” before clinging to the guy’s lips like a leech.   
  
The crowd was cheering Spike on and whistling, making Buffy extra uncomfortable. She headed towards Spike and put an end to the spit swapping. She was booed by Spike’s audience for her trouble.   
  
“What the hell are you doing?” she hissed into his sweaty tangled mess of hair.   
  
Spike cackled and flipped his hair to the side – slapping Buffy’s face in the process. “Two for Spike. Zero for the blonde bitch.”   
  
She crossed her arms, indignant. “Hey, I didn’t say…”   
  
“C’mon, live a little! Xander was a merrymaker life of a party compared to you.”   
  
Buffy’s jaw dropped to the floor. “You and Xander used to pick up guys?”   
  
Spike’s eyes glinted when he spotted another hot prey. “And Spike scores with Number Three.” He flung himself at the next hottie and sucked face… with the guy’s girlfriend standing right next to them. The poor guy tried to push sexy fem Spike away unsuccessfully until Spike pulled back with a glare. “Put some welly into it!”  
  
“Hey, get your skanky hands off my man!” the furious girlfriend grabbed a fistful of Spike’s hair and yanked him away from her beau.   
  
“Oi!” Spike swung and kicked, sending the woman flying across the club, and then howled in anguish pain. Brain fry, Buffy shook her head, Spike should’ve known better.  
  
“Jill!” the guy raced towards his girlfriend who had knocked the mediocre band members off the stage like bowling pins.   
  
Buffy flung a whimpering Spike over her shoulders and rushed out of the club before someone kicked them out. “Wait!” Spike slurred. “That bloke wants to chat me up.”  
  
Buffy glanced at the ‘bloke’ in question and shuddered. “Spike, he literally has a lizard face.”  
  
She stopped in a nearby alley and tossed Spike to the floor like a sack of rotten potatoes, if potatoes could be drunk and obnoxious.   
  
“Spike, what’s going on?” Hands on hips, foot tapping, Buffy waited patiently for Spike to speak up.   
  
He puked on her boots.   
  
Great! These were her favorite pair.   
  
She waved away the vomit stench and tried to shake her boots clean. “Care to fill me in? What’s with the bimbo act?”  
  
Spike gave a watery grin. “Wiped the floor with your arse, Slayer.”   
  
She rolled her eyes.   
  
Nothing was said for the next seconds, and all Buffy could hear was the rustling of the trees with the cold breeze that ruffled the locks on her forehead. A glint of light was shed on Spike’s lips. no longer smiling. He cursed and struggled to his feet only to fall on his face.  
  
Buffy took pity on Mr. Tipsy, pulled him up and then draped his arm over her shoulder.   
  
“Life is stupid,” Spike spat, slapping a lock of hair off his face.   
  
“And you think cadging booze is the best solution?” She began to lead him to the direction of Xander’s apartment.   
  
“Just following your example,” he grumbled under his breath.   
  
With another eyeroll, Buffy remembered that night she’d gone to Spike desperate for a bit of a tipsy time. She’d just found out she was broke and must find a job or else bye bye house. She’d sucked in everything she tried, was a complete failure, full of hate and resentment. Boy did she not miss those days.   
  
“Right, lost little lamb Buffy. Not so lost anymore.” She beamed at him. “Got my friends. Got my job. I’m all cured.”  
  
Spike scoffed. “Good for you,”  
  
“You… you were a big part, in the helping process.” She made sure Spike didn’t step on a muddy puddle. “I wanna help.”  
  
He didn’t respond to that as his eyes narrowed straight ahead.   
  
Buffy followed his line of sight and saw Xander rushing towards them from the end of the street.   
  
“Buffy, you found him tonight?” He was wearing a long coat over a dark T-shirt that almost reached the end of his sweatpants.   
  
“Tonight?” Buffy echoed.   
  
Breathing hard, Xander was intensely glaring down at Spike with his fists so tight with a desire to punch him senseless. “How long are you gonna keep at it? One night you’re gonna get killed! Do you even get that?”  
  
Spike snorted, not even making an effort to hang on to Buffy, who was literally carrying him. “And why do you care?” his voice was quiet and slurred.   
  
“You’re a jackass!”   
  
“Xander, what’s going on?” Buffy asked, looking between Xander’s furious face and Spike’s careless smirk.   
  
“Mr. Excitement over here has been hitting the bar every night, getting himself hammered and parading his goods to every available bachelor.”   
  
“Shows what you know, some of ‘em are married.”  
  
Buffy nudged him. “Not helping your case, Spike.”   
  
Xander let out a long weary sigh and hung his head. “We can’t keep doing this dance, Spike. I can’t just go out every night to save your ass. Some of us have jobs, you know. Jobs that require waking up early in the morning.”  
  
Spike didn’t seem to like that speech at all. “I didn’t fucking ask you to…” a dry heave suddenly interrupted Spike’s vexed retort.   
  
Xander jumped back. “Sound the alarm!”  
  
Buffy dropped Spike and rushed to hide behind the large and safe barrier that was Xander’s body. “Not throwing up on my boots again!”   
  
Spike gagged once more on the sidewalk and then spilled what appeared to be an array of disgusting rainbow-colored jelly goo all over the place.   
  
“I know it!” Xander exclaimed. “He stole my Gummy Bears!”  
  
Buffy looked at the messy mess that was Spike lying on a pool of his own vomit. “We better take him home.”  
  
Xander stared at her. “Go ahead.”  
  
“He’s your roommate.”  
  
“You found him.”  
  
They narrowed their eyes at each other. Buffy lifted a hand, wordlessly suggesting they’d solve this through arm wrestling.   
  
Xander knew better than to accept. “Maybe we could hose him clean?” he suggested weakly.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander and Buffy stared at a now clean and tidy Spike sound asleep in his bed for a minute before Xander closed the door. Buffy walked over to the couch, the night’s events playing in her mind. “He’s hitting rock bottom,” she observed. “That was wiggy weird. Especially the vomiting part.” She pouted down at her stained boots.   
  
Xander didn’t say anything to that. He was staring at the door to Spike’s room in silence.   
  
“Since when do vampires spew their lunch?” she began angrily. “They have no digestive system. I mean sure, Spike eats chunks of human food like the pig he is, but shouldn’t that…”  
  
“Buffy….”   
  
She blinked. “What?”  
  
Xander was staring at her like she was about to break any second now. “I know you have feelings for Spike…”  
  
Her eyes grew wide. Wait, what? How did a rant about vomit lead to _that_? “I don’t have feelings for…”  
  
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. I just think I should ask if it’s okay…” he trailed off, unsure how she’d take it.   
  
Buffy started to feel worried. “What is it?”  
  
Xander sighed. “I wanna go on a date with Spike. Are you okay with that?”  
  
She boggled. “WHAT?”

**Author's Note:**

> The story is co-written with Lusciousspike. :)


End file.
